Saturday 21st Feb vs Fowlers in the cup at Regent's Park

The omens were good. Bernie had opted for a coronation chicken sandwich before arriving at the changing room to ensure optimum digestion. Micah was shooting up in the changing room, and Hudson looked like he was relishing his renewed role of token team nut-job in Coyley’s absence (sunning himself in the Gambia, apparently fake tan and moisturiser just aren’t enough to keep the Coyley look fresh) Game on.

The Alliance started the match with an unorthodox 3-6-1 formation, with Micah playing the lone striker role. This proved to be a tactical masterstroke from Bernie as the Alliance dominated the opening proceedings, despite the distraction of Fowler’s fielding what appeared to be a Brazilian chimpanzee on the left wing. Unfortunately the pressure failed to count, and a swift Fowler’s counter-attack resulted in their captain putting the ball in the back of the net. A hammer blow for the Alliance.

However, the brave Alliance fought on, and their persistence was rewarded with a penalty following a clash of bodies in the area as Steve got sandwiched. Up stepped part time Peter Crouch body double Si to slot the ball confidently past the keeper. Si ran away, full of glee, whispering something under his breath along the lines of “I wish Coyley was here so I could rip the piss out of him” I think that’s what was heard anyway. Alliance’s African sources state at the exact moment the goal was scored a shiver went down Coyley’s spine followed by him muttering something incomprehensible in Geordie. The reports will be confirmed upon Coyley’s return.

Alliance’s glee was short lived however. After a scramble in the box in which a Fowler’s player somehow struck the crossbar from half a yard out, the ensuing madness resulted in Steve chesting the ball out of the area before clearing it. Bafflingly, the referee awarded a spot kick despite the ball clearly striking his chest (Ed. John was behind Steve so how he could see from there I dont know). The penalty was subsequently put away past a despairing Sanj dive. 2-1 to Fowler’s. Again their big, moaning captain.

Half time brought changes from the gaffer, with James being brought on into the wing back role, with Bernie returning to the bench to quietly chomp the bag of coronation chicken filling he had brought with him (Ed. And to nurse a poorly lower right leg - probably all those devishly curled free kicks into the box).

The 2nd half started off much as the 1st had passed, with lots of Alliance pressure. After approximately 20 minutes, we were back. An excellent corner delivery from newly engaged, ex-heroine addict and Instants guitarist Pete Stupple was flicked on by Si at the near post to find an unmarked Hudson at the far post who headed the ball into the onion bag. 2-2.

The game was fairly even from here on with both teams settling into a nice rhythm. Suddenly Fowler’s played a ball over the top which James looked to have covered. Unfortunately the hapless full back opted for a suicidal backpass instead of playing the ball out into touch, The ball was intercepted and within 10 seconds it was in the back of the net. 3-2 to Fowler’s (again their big oaf of a captain). That’ll teach Bernie for trying to get the defence to play football.

Northern Alliance continued to push for a deserved goal, putting substantial pressure on the defence. This was all hindered by Micah having dislocated his shoulder but bravely playing on - he popped it back in though and got on with it. Not before Fowler's manager, with his league secretary hat on pointed out there really was no reason for Micah to play on. Unfortunately the pressure failed to come off, and Fowler’s were awarded a late, late penalty when Colin jumped in the area and temporarily forgetting he was playing football, successfully high-fived the ball. Penalty, goal, and game over for the Alliance. And four for their captain.

All in all a disappointing result, but a thoroughly encouraging performance. Happiest man on the pitch was Sanj who achieved his new record for lowest goals conceded in a match for the Alliance: 4. David James, watch out. The defeat was also softened by the realisation that a victory would have meant nothing anyway due to the format of the cup. But never mind. Plenty of positives to be had from this game and the Alliance can rest safe in the knowledge that James is not even in the country for their next two games. Put it out of play boys. Put it out of play.

Addition from the ed, Bernie Smith. Plenty of positives from the game as James rightly points out and the new 3-6-1 formation shone through with Guy revelling in the his role playing off the striker. So man of the match goes to Guy. Hudson, Simon and Steve (who managed to chip a tooth for the Alliance cause) adapted well to the new formation and the defence didnt deserve to let in four.

Sunday 15th Feb: Strollers (H) League

Following Guy's decision that his numeracy skills were better put to ordering the shirts in the kit bag post wash it was left to the less numerate me to record Saturday's results for posterity.

After arriving approximately on time to the most impressive of facilities, Si and myself were met by a fully focused captain Coyley already talking game with the ref. Coyley's focus continued in the changing room where James was forced to change from his fetching blue shorts and socks into team standard black kit borrowed from the bottom of the kit bag. Si and myself looked on sheepishly with our navy blue socks but thankfully passed kit inspection, just.

The team that took the field were: 1.Sanj 2.Micah 3.James 4.Ian 5.Gibsy 6.Liam 7.Jeff 8.Hudson 9.Coyley 10.Si 11.Guy. After walking past London's finest players ( http://kickabouts.intheteam.com/modules/page/Page.aspx?pc=12140&mid=2445&pmid=0) and putting up the nets in a suitably homoerotic manner whilst being photographed by Micah the game got under way. The Alliance, like the weather, started brightly with captain Coyley launching what at first looked like a speculative effort towards the Strollers' goal which finished as an exquisitely struck dipping effort off the outside of his right foot that had their 'keeper in all sorts of trouble and looked for all the world that is was going to end up in the top corner until it was finally parried away to safety.

The rest of the first half was fairly even with the oppo attacking well down the wings and the Alliance building well through the center via Hudson and Ian. Guy and James down the left and Jeff and Micah down the right did a good job of fending off the Stroller's attack. Slowly the Stroller's pressure built and if it were not for some last ditch defending from Gibbsy and Jeff they would have taken the lead. Finally the pressure proved too much as Stroller's went 1-0 up just before half time. A seemingly harsh in-direct free kick was awarded in the area after an apparent foot up. A 5 man wall and everybody else on the line wasn't enough to prevent the ball being lashed into the top of the net.

That rather took the stuffing out of the team and an unusually circumspect half time talk from Coyley was sign enough that the Alliance being behind was not fully deserved. The second half went with the weather for the Alliance it just got greyer and more minging. Stroller's finally managed to break through Gibsy and Liam's damn like central defensive partnership to curl the ball past me and into, I'd like to hope, the top left corner to make it 2-0 (weather: dark grey skies). It was 3-0 after Stroller's broke down right for a simple tap in (weather: drizzle). The fourth followed moments after this time from a break down the left, Micah unfortunately deflecting, a most likely goal bound effort anyway, to just inside the near post in a last ditch attempt to tackle their striker(weather: persistent rain).

Then a piece of tactical wizardry brightened up the Alliance's half with Bernie switching to 3-5-2 with him coming on for James and Steve for Jeff. The extra man in midfield made a definite impact with Guy down the left and Micah the right both making surging runs and producing some penetrating balls into the Stroller's box. Unfortunately none of the balls fell kindly to the rampaging Coyley and Si to get the goal that the team deserved.

This attacking endeavour finally bit back as the oppo broke quickly down their right for another tap in to make it 5 (weather: ming). I think for some the final whistle couldn't come quick enough after that and fortunately it did.

The 5-0 scoreline really doesn't act as fair reflection on the performance with the team playing well together in both defence and attack. Gibsy cleared up over and over and over again and Liam was a rock not allowing anyone to pass. Guy and Micah worked tirelessly up the flanks in attack and defence. Hudson, ably assisted by Ian, ran midfield with many a mazey run and had Coyley's early effort nestled in the top corner as it probably deserved to, the sun would have probably shone for the whole match and we may have won 5-0. Despite all this I'm meant to give man of the match to myself for letting in 5 for the second game in a row.

Sunday 8th Feb: The Jokers (A): Big Cup

After the previous weekend’s excellent battling draw on the unfamiliar grass of Regents Park it was back to the astroturf of Market Road. Snow was replaced by (OLD) rain and thankfully it was a couple of degrees warmer so there was no repeat of my southern jessie glove-wearing from the previous Sunday.

I arrived a mere quarter hour before kick-off having missed the Market Road turning and become fully entangled in the Holloway one-way system. It was not a good start and the empty feeling in my stomach where a well-digested pre-match meal should have been was not helping things. I began to regret the previous day’s drinking and sport watching and in particular several cans of Stella that had rounded off the night (WOMAN'S). I’ll spare you the details but having risen at 2pm, and with the help of a pint of Resolve and several visits to the lav it wasn’t pretty.

However with half a bottle of Powerade and some Jaffa cakes down my neck and the freshly laundered kit safely in a well-populated dressing room things were looking up. Things took a turn for the worse after a couple of scrotes who had been hanging around our goal nicked one of our balls. This is where a mugshot of the offenders would come in handy (I can still see the grin on one of the little shit’s face) but unfortunately this week’s account is to be a hard-on-the-eye text fest with no pretty pictures to spice things up. If anyone fancies drawing (MINGE) an artist’s impression though I’m sure Bernie could slip it in and we could have the wider Alliance family on the look out (although with the potential for violence against children and potential incarceration perhaps that’s not such a good idea).

Relieved they hadn’t nicked anything else and after a rousing team talk from Captain Coyle out on the pitch (who as ever was bang up for it and again sporting the lime green internet boots) (PONG) game was finally underway. The line-up was similar to last weekend’s team with Eddie in goal, Liam, Gibbsy, me and Micah across the back, Bernie, Ian, Dan and Guy in midfield and Coyley and Simon up front.

With no seven-foot monster to mark I was a bit lost initially and it soon became apparent that this week’s opposition were going to be a different proposition. Playing one up front and packing the midfield with nippy little diving continental types this lot were looking to pass their way through. One lad called Mauro wearing gloves (what kind of pansy wears gloves?…..unless its snowing of course) and a roll-neck AS Roma top under his shirt looked (SMELLS) ripe for an old fashioned ‘reducer’ early doors. After starting evenly the first half swung in Jokers favour after a stone-wall offside was missed by the ref (who just happened to be one of theirs) and one of their lads slotted home. Oh for a replay and a bit of Alan Hansen or Andy Gray analysis of that one. Things got worse when a shot from outside the box was unluckily deflected in by Gibbsy leaving Eddie with no chance.

So we turned round 2-0 down (LIKE) and half time was mostly spent discussing how we could stop the little shites overrunning us. Chairman Bernie was replaced by Pete in a like for like switch on the left wing. With our defence reluctant to push up in case the ref screwed us with another dodgy off-side decision the opposition still had space and more men in the middle of the park despite the heroic efforts of Dan and Ian. The opposition were still getting chances and despite everyone giving their all we still weren’t gaining the upper hand.

With half of the second half gone Rafa Bernie-tez rang the changes – Colin on for Micah and Steve on for Guy. With time running out he pushed yours truly up into midfield leaving us short at the back but with one more body in the middle of the park. Whether or not this was a tactical masterstroke (or whether it was responsible or not) we started getting up a head of steam with Simon and Coyley up front seeing some ball but with Jokers looking dangerous on the break. With corners coming regularly and the pressure building it looked like we might at least pull one back. But eventually time ran out and we were left ruing a poor refereeing decision and some bad luck. In truth the opposition were good on the ball and a decent passing side but with the effect of tactical changes to look back on Rafa has (FISH) food for thought before we play them again.

It was another whole-hearted performance from the team and 2-0 wasn’t really a fair reflection of our efforts. Eddie pulled off some great saves, the defence looked solid, the midfield did well to contain greater numbers and the lads up front ran their socks off. Man of the Match is a tough one to call with everyone giving 100% but for some tough tackling, hard (BATTER) running and facing up to extra numbers in midfield I can’t split Dan and Ian. [Bernie if you want to choose a winner I guess you’ve got editor’s prerogative - Ed. you're right Tim I do, Liam].

Sunday 01 February 2009: Cambazola (h) cup

The morning after the game before and London had been completely shut down by a stealthy avalanche of brilliant bus-blocking, tube-totalling, work-wangling snow, the likes of which hasn’t been seen for many a year. The Great Blizzard of 2009 they were gleefully talking it up as on LBC radio (surely the worst acronym in broadcasting, standing as it does for London’s Biggest Conversation) as they spoke to a half wit on the phone-in who was hoping that Nick Ferrari (perhaps employed to even things out on the name-stakes) would be able to advise him on delivering his imminently arriving child. “Anything else?” Nick asked the half wit after offering clearly useless advice, “What should I call him?” he rang off with, clearly embracing his own idiocy. ‘Snowy’ was offered up. Jesus Christ (that wasn’t, needless to say).

Anyway, I digress. Clearly getting to work was not an option. Even though, staying as I was in central London, a half hour walk or a few stops on the resilient Victoria line meant it was certainly was an option. But work didn’t know that, for I was stranded in West Dulwich as far as they were aware. Instead, I headed back over to the scene of the game the day before through a beautifully snowy Regent’s Park, en route to Primrose Hill for a bout of kamikaze sledging on a metal tray. Walking past some impressive snowmen I took the below picture on my phone for those of you who have yet to witness the all new Fortress Allianza.

And Fortress Allianza it certainly was, well, metaphorically speaking. Impenetrable to some of our own men as well it seemed as, with only five minutes remaining before KO, our forces were looking as thin on the ground as the Belgian military presence, well, outside of Belgium.

Corporal Jonesy had come through with aerial reconnaissance pictures of a grey, circular, concrete structure earlier in the week and our Napoleon-sized general had slated a 1.15 rendez-vous. But neither our leader nor goalkeeper were anywhere to be seen. Whilst we waited, time was passed admiring our new surroundings; never have I seen grown men so in awe of a small black hairdryer. A glistening white board outside in reception slated our pitch number and the Home and Away changing rooms (insert bad Australian-themed joke here at leisure). If a nuclear war was to break out this place wouldn’t be a bad bet for seeking refuge, certainly a step up from our last home encounter where it seemed a nuclear war might have been a recent reality.

Not only were we left to admire our plush new surroundings, but also Captain Coyley’s brand spanking new boots. I struggle for the words to describe them, so I’ll let the picture do the talking, a thousand words as the saying goes, quite possibly most of them four letters long. Here they are pictured next to Micah’s red devils, the pair of them revolutionising the world of 3-D technology in front of our very eyes:

Finally the game was afoot, kicking off late at 2.30, Bernie making a rushed appearance, looking like he might well have slept in the park. Micah started between the sticks, bravely standing in for the still AWOL Eddie. Woody, Liam, Tim and Gibbsy across the back, Dan and Simon in the middle with Guy and Bernie patrolling the flanks. Simon and Coyley led the line. Conditions were blustery and the game settled into a fierce stand off, no side yielding an inch, no ground gained. Long balls were taken out by the wind and there were few chances to speak of. It was tight and competitive. Cambazola didn’t look like a team who had taken us to task 5-0 in our last game, and we didn’t look like a team who would be beaten by 5. Battling performances were put in by Dan and Ian in the middle supporting solid work by the back four, Ian resolutely heading everything that came his way. That sense of shakiness which has often characterised the Alliance defence this season had been swept away by the wind. But after 20 minutes or so a loose ball on the edge of the box fell to one of their lads and was curled up over Micah into the top right. Pete, my optimism deficient ‘bench’-warming comrade, wearily commented that “This is a bit like what happened last time” as it started to snow. 0-1.

Simon was mercilessly hacked down by one of their bruisers, of which there were a few, the culprit lucky to escape without a booking. Cambazola seem to be a bit of niggly side who took advantage of some beefy players to go in strong, their number 7, Dolph Lundgren, the worst of the lot. Eddie finally appeared, seemingly unruffled by having been bamboozled by the intricacies of Regent’s Park inner maze for the best part of an hour, and was thrust into the action as Simon was subbed off - the ensuing tactical change transforming our goal keeper into centre forward in the blink of an eye and the shake of a shirt. Half time came and the Northern Alliance was still firmly in the game.

Pete came on for a Bernie who had clearly demonstrated in the first half that sleeping in the wilderness does not a football genius make. Playing with the wind at our backs and the conditions easing a bit the game settled down and the ball was moved around a bit more freely. Woody and Guy put in some good combinations down the right, Tim, Liam and Gibbsy mercilessly defending their line.

What’s that you say John? Penalty? Really, are you sure? Pete had charged down the left wing and been chopped down (Or been dispossessed by a great tackle, outside of the box.) Nevertheless, following a careering roll, Pete was firmly inside the edge of box and, never one to let the Alliance down, our twelfth man, sorry, the referee, signalled to the spot. “If he misses this he’s off” conferred the coaches on the touchline, not necessarily betraying a particularly ruthless streak, just the fact that Coyley was having a bit of a stinker generally.

Under hotly contested circumstances, and no doubt a fair bit of gamesmanship by the opposition, the ball was finally placed. Whether Coyley was put off by this or by the flash of some lime green hypertext transfer protocol shimmering across his new internet boots we will never know, but the goalkeeper guessed the right way and saved to his right post. The ball was kicked up field and they nearly raced away and scored. As I readied myself for entering the fray in place of Coyley he received the ball at the edge of the box, took a touch and hammered the ball over the keeper into the top left in majestic fashion. Instant redemption as Simon, hand caressing the guillotine a moment earlier, rushed onto the pitch to kiss the shiny boots, much to the consternation of the crestfallen Cambazolans. 1-1.

The lead was short lived as what looked like an excellent finger tipped save by Eddie to a finger-stinging effort cruelly dipped under the bar on second asking and rolled limply into the net. 1-2. I came on for Guy as we pressed for an equalizer and Micah shifted to the right wing. They came close a couple of times, a near miss on the right hand post, some squandered chances, a few smart saves and some quick thinking by our keeper foiling them at every turn (Not to mention a more justified shout for a spot kick than our own, but we’ll breeze past that quickly). We continued to battle and our perseverance brought dividends as leading goal scorer and never-say-die battler Dan, smashed in a beauty from the edge of the box - the third top corner goal of the encounter, with about 10 minutes to go. 2-2. The game continued in the spirit it had been played, tough tackling and combative, but no further clear chances came and the whistle shrilled signalling that a much deserved draw was ours. It was the sort of draw that felt like a victory, brilliant performances across the board and writing the wrongs of the previous match.

As we retreated back to the much needed warmth of the changing rooms, John Hall piped up “The grass game suits you boys doesn’t it?” Thanks John, yes it does.

Man of the Match: Very tough. Ian and Dan both had great games in central midfield. If it could be a joint award then the back four would share the spoils for a no-nonsense, tough tackling and battling performance. To separate the centre back wall of Tim and Liam would be unfair, both repelling many an assault. So, for an audacious 35 yard lob in blustery conditions, non-stop running and some crucial tackles the award this week goes to Gibbsy.