15th May Strollers (H) @ Market Road by Coyely

Well fuck me, here I am about to lose my blog virginity, which has been a long time coming, so try and stay with me for my post match scrutiny. Not a bad turn out for a Thursday night with a crew of 13, which gave us a chance to test out 2 new lads in Medge and Johhny.

Paul turned up early doors, only to bump in to old Irish, John the ref who was off down to the bookies for a quick punt before the game, in a bid to carry on his winning streak after having won a £50 spot the previous Saturday in our normal drinking hideaway. Then the lads started turning in with Pete, Iain & Simon arriving at the scene followed by Jeff who I berated for selling me one of the famed, dodgy porn lighters, which broke the next day as I tried to light my Sunday night BBQ. Still though, the female projection, however unclear her muff might be, was the subject of many a laugh last Saturday night.

Bernie gave the reigns to Paul this week and let him deploy his tinkerman skills by letting him choose the team. Due to a lack of centre halves, a makeshift back four was brought together, opting for the little and large combo through the Centre, with Woody & Simon who didn’t disappoint on the night.

Woody, who I thought cancelled his trip to Vienna where he was due to be starring in an underwear advert with 50 agent’ provocateur models and a dwarf in a tuxedo on £200 per hour (absolute bargain and a definite option for the Alliance night out) choosing to play for the Alliance instead. As it goes, It turns out that his flight out was the following morning at 7am, but none the less, good commitment with some trade mark ‘Woody’s!’ sounding out all game.

After deciding against a 3-5-2 formation at the last minute, we decided to go for a flat back 4 and run of the mill midfield and forward line with some positional changes. Jeff filled in as right back and looked strong all game, attacking down the flank and chasing back to defend against their tall number 6 on many occasion. Colin slipped in as left back who has improved alot in recent weeks with some decent tackling, more composure and at last some accurate throw ins!

I went for a standard twosome combination of Dan and Iain in the middle of the park and decided to give Pete the nod over Steve on the left, after I had forgotten which one of them was the natural left footer of the two. I tried Micah on the right this week to see how he faired and he put in a good first half performance with plenty of support for Jeff and some tough slide tackling down the flank. Having played 5 aside a few times with Madge….Midge or Medge – still not totally sure on which it is, but settled for Medge in the end, I tried him up front with yours truly.

The game started off fairly high tempo with good competition in midfield, good work down the right and the defence looking cosier than previous weeks. For the first half, we were looking the strongest by some solid challenging by Dan and Micah. We put pressure on their mid-field from the start and broke away down the flanks on a few occasions, with Paul and Medge exploiting the space on the wings, which allowed the wingers and full backs to push on. Jeff broke through on one notable occasion doing all the hard work in beating the full back, only for the cross to fall short. On the other wing, Pete put in a decent effort before getting a twinge in his thigh, which resulted in Steve taking up the berth on the left wing.

Steve made some good run’s down the left flank and won some flick on’s in the first half, including one lob over the defenders head that Paul latched on to and squandered on his left foot, with the keeper getting down well. Paul later returned the favour by swinging a deep ball in from the right with Steve connecting, but unable to turn goalwards. Strollers can play though and won several corners themselves, where they always posed a threat. It seemed as if they always had a man spare in midfield and a missed pass in the middle of the park led to their first goal which was slotted home nicely by one of their centre mid-fielders the one with the distinct Art Garfunkle-esque hair cut. Still, we pressured and charged down their players well and actually looked like we could hold the ball up for once, which allowed our midfield to get forward.

Then came the corners. We’ve been looking more and more dangerous from these the past couple of weeks with more movement, aggression and accuracy from Iain’s low in – swingers. Dan came close on a couple of occasions and a couple of goalmouth scrambles followed, which resulted in one of their defenders clearing from the line.

Half time and Jon the ref kept up with his weekly one liners by pointing out Bernie looked as if he was in a time warp in reference to his antique goal keeper jersey. A clear sign that we need to get some new kit in for next season. Jon had a good game though, making some good decisions including my booking for the horrendous challenge I made on their fullback. Maybe I’m getting too nice these days, as I actually apologized and tried to check on how badly I mullered his leg.

As the game progressed, the Strollers went on the offensive with a few chances being put through from their midfield, but Little and large combo at the back cleared well and kept themselves amused all game by counting who won the most headers. You were never gonna win that one Woody. Their bearded Brian Blessed look-alike kept trying to break through but was kept quiet by Simon with good cover from Jeff and Woody.

Time for a change and in came new debutant Johnny who came on for Medjey with Micah, who was gradually creeping up front for most of the game, switching to his favoured position as forward. We continually pressed on wards with Iain stringing some good moves together and Dan winning the majority of headers from kicks. New boy Johnny looked effective down the right wing and continually niggled away at their fullback and even had a few efforts on goal. Unfortunately, the deficit increased with another goal from Garfunkle with a delivery that looped over Woody’s head from a bouncing ball in to the box. Nevertheless, The Alliance kept plugging away with Bernie cancelling out their attacks with good marshalling from Simon and Woody.

Bernie exploited the space we had by rolling the balls out from the back to Jeff or one of our centre backs. A few darting runs from both Woody and Simon in defence helped us heap more pressure on the Strollers. More chances came. Johhny swung a good ball in not soon after coming on the pitch but Crouchie, clearly forgetting he was playing centre half for the day, headed ‘a well out Si’ over the bar. We were made to rue more missed chances with a ball spilling to Steve who made an excellent run in to the box only to sky over the bar. Eventually, our continual pressing resulted in another chance at the other end with Garfunkle completing his hat-trick for the night by knocking it over Bernie to make it 3-0.

At times we played like a team, getting in to space and spreading the ball around nicely. The forward line went flat for most of the second half, which was summed up by Micah’s overhead volley blazing over the bar and Paul’s under par performance was later exemplified by latching on to a sitter, but failing to convert after opting to drag it past the keeper on his left, rather than rounding the keeper in the dying minutes of the game. Looking back, we put in a performance against a team we are not a million miles off. This was clearly not a 3-0 game and on a different day, one of us would have scored from those corners and Simon, Steve and Paul would have put away their efforts. We are not a million miles away from being a good team and we can take that effort in to the final game of the season and build on it for the next.

Unfortunately, no beers after the game this time, just a long tube journey home to reflect what could have been had we fired on all cylinders. Back to the house to eat some comfort food (last nights pasta) & watch Sweaty Betty on C4, an interesting documentary about ladies who sweat too much. I’m gutted about finishing bottom of the league and suffering from end of season blues. It’s tough at the top but it’s crap at the bottom gentlemen. We’ve got one more game to try and put it right so lets put the effort in for the final game and make sure we are ready to compete for something for next season.

Check out my player ratings and MOM award below:

Bernie: Made some excellent saves in the first half and had the vision to play it out from the back over the course of the game. Should be playing out of nets.8/10 (Clearly trying to curry favour with the head honcho, could have done better with the second goal, and was at fault for the third so 5/10, but 6/10 for abusing the opposition with random obscenities Ed.)

Colin: Some good tackling & tracking back. Better throw in’s but needs to look up and concentrate more when passing. 6/10

Jeff: Battled against an awkward winger all game & got forward with some excellent running. Passed more than usual. Strong contender for MOM. 8/10

Simon: Reluctant to take out of mid-field but put in a top performance at centre-half as expected. Marked their forward out of the game. Awesome in the air all game apart from the missed effort. 9/10

Woody: Great partnership with Simon at the back. Got in front of his man to win the ball all game and even won some headers against taller opponents. Tried to carry the ball out of defence which is great to see. 9/10

Pete: Looked lively early on collecting the ball from Colin and moving up the pitch but got a twinge early on. Final through ball could have been better on occasion. 6/10

Micah: Asked to play on the right and responded well with some tough challenging and effort going forward. Covered for Jeff well. Moved back up front but performance went flatter in the second half. 7/10

Iain: Much improved passing since last match and laid some nice balls to the wing. Delivery on corners and free kicks has been causing a lot of danger lately. Tends to zonal mark & takes up good positions when ball is held up. 8½ /10

Dan: Reliable as ever in the centre although not playing fully fit. Held ball up and won headers from kicks all game. A couple of good crossed passes in to the box. Likes his corners when he announces ‘Dan’s!’. 8/10

Medge: Okay debut from someone who hasn’t played a great deal of 11 –aside but is one of the silkiest players I’ve played with at 5-aside. Didn’t get much of the ball on the day & should have released earlier on occasion. 6/10

Paul: Fucking absolute shite. Held up a few balls and spread it to Iain on a couple of occasions. Missed 2 good chances on his left foot. Worst performance of the season, should’ve stayed home & played on Pro Evo. 5/10

Subs Used:

Steve: Came on and had a go at the full back from the start. Won some headers but needed to be stronger in the tackle at times. Had the best opportunity to score in the match. 7/10

Johhny: Great debut and some good running down the wing. Draws a foul now and again and had a couple of efforts on goal. Could have released the ball sooner on a few occasions. One for next season. 8/10

Subs not used: Are you having a laugh!?

Man of the match: Difficult one, but I’ve went for Woody. Had to be one of the centre halves and after I doubted he’d be able to fill in, he had a cracking first half winning numerous headers and clearing everything and also tried to push out in the second half.

Saturday 10th May, Perfidious Albion @ Market Road

10^th May 2008. Perfidious Albion @ Market Road.

2-4 Loss

Everything was looking good for this game, off the back of a good effort in the cup we have a wooden spoon playoff with the Derbyesque Perfidious (they are third, and still in for a chance of promotion, ringers I suspect. Ed.). Coyley has been trusted with getting us in the mood and didn’t disappoint us with his mid week tirade on the email. He managed to censor his earlier swear words but as the red mist descended the inevitable obscenities poured forth, firewall alarm bells rang, and across London Alliance players were called to see line managers regarding “professional conduct with personal emails”. Still, it seemed to work, confidence was high.

We arrived to sweltering heat and Geoff (or Del Boy as he will now be known) trying to flog us Porno laser pens/lighters as he had picked up 1000 for 50 quid from the back of some truck. Having plunged the dressing room into darkness to show the projected ‘beauties’ in all their glory Coyley spent his match fees (not a euphemism) on five claiming they would make “canny gifts for the ladies”.

To the game: A half arsed warm up in the melting heat told us this was going to be a tough one and without President Bernie in nets the search for a keeper was on. Thankfully Dai asked the question, waited for the hands to fly up, and then inevitably ended up in goal himself. Woody at this time was getting a little nervous as to why there was no-one around at Kennington at 11.55, a quick ring to Coyley and he was thrashing his car northwards due to arrive before half time. So we line up 4-4-2 Dai in nets, Dan, Pete, Steve and Liam at the back, Midfield of Besty, Simon, Iain and Geoff, Micah and porn addict up front.

The game starts well, good movement and passes hitting feet for the first 30 maybe 40 seconds we even grab an early goal. Dan picks it up at the back, spots the gangly run of Evans and sends one over the top. Evans takes it in his stride, makes a massive meal of the effort and Micah knocks in the rebound off the far post, we’re cruising, and then it goes wrong.

Having had a bit of a session the night before Simon is dead on his feet after the early run and stops moving altogether. This leaves Iain holding the midfield on his own and while Geoff Besty and Simon are off looking for more goals the Albion walk through the midfield and despite valiant efforts from the defence stick 2 past the unlucky Triathalete in the sticks.

John Hall introduces USA ‘94 style water breaks half way through the first half and heat is really telling. We’re all dead on our feet bar Liam who is still valiantly chasing their rapid bald centre forward as time and again is he slotted through on goal thanks to lacklustre tackling in the middle of the park and a daringly high line kept by the defence. I think Besty had a decent chance from the left and Micah and Paul kept working hard up there on their own.

Can’t remember much else about the first half as my eyeballs were sweating and I kept seeing a big beardy fella telling me to “walk towards the light my son”, might have been Dan telling me to “do some fucking work Simon”. Half time came and water was eagerly consumed. After spending my half time head under the tap I knew the game was up, once I could speak again I pathetically apologised to the team and pre-emptively subbed myself after 10 mins of the second half. Albion managed to make it 3-1 2 mins into the second half before we could get the shambling Crouch-a-like off the pitch. On comes Woody into midfield and immediately makes a difference with a cracking drive off the inside of the far post and back into the keeper’s grateful arms. More good work from the rejuvenated midfield sees some good link up play (and don’t know by who, I was dying) and a freekick to the Alliance. Iain floats over a cracking chip and Coyley finishes like Michael Owen (in his Liverpool days). Sadly this was not the turnaround we hoped for and the 4^th for Albion came just minutes later from a corner (good header mind). Alliance heads went down and Dai was under siege, some lovely shoulder drops from Dan moved us up the pitch well from resulting goal kicks but we were gone. Still time for Geoff and Iain to have a ‘bit of handbags’, inevitable in the heat and entertaining to watch.

4-2 loss bad game all round and I apologise sincerely for going out boozing on Friday, I will accept disciplinary actions from the returning Bernie next week. MOM goes to Dai for going in nets and making some fine saves.

After the game all down to the Rosie McCann’s for a few joined by the ref who sneaked out to win 50 quid on the horses and then came back and bought us pints, big up John Hall. A few more pints go down and a spontaneous night out is organised between Coyley, Myself and Dai round Balham. I won’t bore you with the details but it involved a scary Polish nightclub, me drubbing the pair of them 3-0 at snooker, about 15 pints each and my last memory of the night was a room full of people looking up at the ceiling of the Bedford seeing a 15m² image of a naked Thai Girl and Coyley holding his lighter grinning like a naughty schoolboy.

Up for the cup: vs Wimbledon Allstars Thurs 24 May

And so it came to pass. The biggest game in the season for the Northern Alliance. A cup game against the might Allstars, Wimbledon Allstars at Paddington Rec.

We took it seriously - we'd talked tactics after the game the week before on the way to a place reasonably near oblivion by the end. We ran round the track accompanied by the ref. We huddled as Smithy called for togetherness, diginity and action. Paul quoted like Churchill. We were set for a belter.

The pitch was wet - it's known as the wet pitch so I suppose that's fair enough, but this was really wet. We lined up with original Alliance goalie, Hugh Fast, in between the sticks, with Smith at right back, Colin on the left, with Gibbsy and Dai as centre backs, then a midfield of Simon and Iain flanked by Besty and Dan, with Paul and Micah up front. Pete, Ketch and Woody on the bench. Thanks to the support of Kirsty and Janie (well part time support), plus Darty, Hudson and Steve.

The first half was tight, they had a lot of the possession with our lot occassionally breaking. they were playing better football but we were containing them. We had a few scares but nothing that Hugh hadnt seen plenty of times before. They had a few corners, we had the odd free kick and corner, they gave the odd rather unmanly scream and then they scored. I was ball watching and missed my header, this led to Dai missing his, which left Fast with no chances between the sticks 1-0.

Half time is up, and we're still in it to win, they are no where near as good as they used to be and their ginger haired danger man is no where to be seen (he actually wasnt playing as opposed to not being effective or having run off minutes before KO, if he did they didnt say, why would they?). We've got to have a go and we did, by heck we did. Again those green rubbers, were busily rubbing for the other side. Plenty of up and unders, and tussles in the box and a few chances to boot but nothing majorly clear cut from what I can remember. We had a period of 20 minutes where they were properly on the back foot - solid work from Micah, Paul and Dan to hold the ball up, create danger or win free kicks. Some great corners from Iain too. But we couldnt make it count, and they cleared to safety.

It was now or never, I thought 'with me on the pitch it's probably going to be never, with Ketch on the pitch it could be well I never' so on came Ketch in case there was a decent heading situation needing someone who is good at heading. We were still pushing but to no avail. Pete came on for Colin and we decided to go more or less three at the back. Pete doing a sterling job carrying the fight down the left, intercepting their attacks and sticking the ball forward.

We pushed too much, there was no point not doing that, and in fact we were a bit unlucky with ricochets for the second goal. And we knew then it was game over. We kept going and I think came quite close but it's a few weeks away now so I forget.

But there's no forgetting the third goal - it was captured on camera from the side lines, by this time we were down to two at the back with not a 'well out Dai' among us! See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAU0D2-HgDI

And it did come to pass, right past us, 3-0 and game over. But we battled and played as a team, at one point I did a swivel and nearly trying to collect the ball from Hugh. Hudson found solace and a can of Kronenburg on the sidelines, and confessed to rather enjoying it. And then we all went to the pub and that's what really matters.