Sunday 12 October: vs GPR (A) at Battsersea Park

Howay lads, we’re not a bunch of 9yr olds.

Coyley’s latest nonsensical motivational shoutings (see title) still rings through my ears as I write the blog in the absence of the Bard Bernie, apologies for any poor description of the game but, as I’ve told many women the day after when I forget their name, “I had a car accident a few years ago and I now consequently have a very poor short term memory”.

Week started badly as the team sheet rolled in to Captain Coyley with something like 11 forward minded players and 2 defenders on the list. The missing of Dan, Dai, Chris and Bernie due to family commitments earns them the right to buy the first round next Sunday. Other losses included Gibbsy and Geoff who I can only assume are dead and so are exempt from pint buying.

So we turn up on an un-seasonally warm day at Battersea park to face GRP high on the confidence building friendly win and looking to finish this lower league shower off before half time then switch off and catch up the ‘man tan’ in the second. The Captain took his deserved vice captain for the day (me) aside for a chat about the team in which he showed me the team on the back of a bus timetable, I recommended changes, he disregarded them, we were set. Very makeshift team read as follows: Eddie (welcome return in goal), John F and Crouch (centre backs) Johnny (RB) Colin (LB) Hudson & Coyley (CM) Ballsy (AMF) Iain (RAMF) Micah (LAMF) Mej (CF) Subs: Pete, Steve. (Ed. Fucking hell the positioning is like Championship Manager 2003)

The game started well from the centre backs view, very scrappy but holding our own. No real chances early doors but some worrying signs as balls got sent over the top and our terrifyingly rapid centre back pairing were caught out of position and out of line a couple of times. Sadly this tactic paid off after 15 mins or so with a ball over the top and myself and a GPR attacker chasing back, the tactical football magazines I read as a child told me I should have taken ball and player out of the game but I opted for the frankly surprising choice of neither. Unfortunately Eddie had strayed off his line and my crap tackle led to a jammy shot creeping into the corner 1-0 GPR.

Some good work coming from Ballsy Micah on the left and Johnny and Iain on the right was settling us down, if we could get a few in the mixer it looked like it might be turning, sadly they raped the wind out of our sails with a well worked goal involving some kind of camp precise backheel and a lucky crisply hit curling 18 yard strike into the top corner, no one at fault for this one, perhaps we could have closed them down quicker. 2-0

I started getting annoyed at being a shit centre back at this point and thought I’d take it upon myself to be a shit forward for a bit. I’m not 100% sure but it must have been a corner or I wouldn’t have been in their box but a ball into the middle led to a GPR defender hastily clearing the ball into my testicles from point blank range on the 6 yard box and with superb ball control (see what I did there) it landed at my feet. As the dark clouds of unconsciousness began to take hold I managed to turn and lay it off to Ballsy on the edge of the area middle of the goal, one touch to set himself then a deft curled effort into the top corner. Good stuff 2-1.

Half Time.

Second half began with Steve coming on at right back for Micah, Johnny goes Right Wing and Iain over to the left. Ramshackle defending lets them back in a number of times and Eddy works wonders to keep them at bay until finally he can only palm one upward and the bounce defeats John F (not his fault) to allow their forward to nod home from 1 yard 3-1.

We then start to build with Johnny working hard on the right and Mej getting very close to being put through by Iain, Ballsy and Coyley but all either cut out or too long, just. Several corners came our way with sound deliveries from Iain leading to some great chances for Steve and others I can’t remember. Finally the pressure told with a really good goal. Corner for GPR, sterling defending from Pete (on for Colin at LB) to start a move down the right. Sorry if I miss anyone here but I know Johnny ran a long way with the ball, exchanged passes with someone (sorry) and put Coyley in on the angle. Coyley played a deliberate and precise scuffed shot into the area and Mej volleyed home. 3-2.

At this point our gander was up and with Micah scaring the living piss out of everyone on the sidelines with manic berating (good work Micah) and Coyley referring to us a 9 year olds (again) we wanted it more than them. More corners came in, more chances. Then the moment we were all waiting for Ballsy takes a short corner to Mej, Mej sends in a near perfect cross and Johnny can’t quite grow enough to get over the header and guided it wide (which to be fair was all he could have done, bloody short people)

We (me) then switched off a bit and a few chances fell to GPR which they should have taken but for the quality of Eddy in the sticks, before we knew it the whistle had gone 3-2 GPR.

Positives: Understrength and unknown team played some decent stuff at times and effort was good. Made chances from set pieces and defended high balls relatively well. Coyley got a new catchphrase.

Negatives: Lost.

Overall some good games out there, stand-out performance outfield from Johnny with good running and skills down the right just not able to get the crosses over due to solid defending, but it’ll come. Micah almost won MOM from the sidelines with his shouting 12th man performance also for taking the kit again (someone else next time please lads). But MOM has to go to Eddy for some top saves and good presence in the box, could have been out of it early in the second without the big man, well played sir.

I apologise for my centre back performance, I think the shot to the love spuds was some divine justice for allowing them through so many times. Also had my t shirt nicked/taken by accident so if anyone finds a dark blue T-Shirt with ‘Cougars’ written on it, it’s mine you thieving git! (only joking, I’ll have it back next game please). Also I had to look after a woman this week (not you Iain) so will be back on the social secretary scene next week where we can get a few more of us down the pub post match.

Big shout to Hudson who played well but has not received a mention at all in the blog because he a) kept his temper and b) didn’t injury himself. Well done resident evil, we salute you (and well done whoever spiked him with depressants before the game).

Special mention to Sophie and Vicki for their support and presenting of individual bags of haribo after the game. You’re welcome everytime.

Pre-season friendly vs Fowlers, Mile End, 25 Sept 08

Now then

Here we are again, another season for the Alliance, another lacklustre performance and drubbing I suppose? Oh no not here. Not the new Alliance, under the stewardship of Coyley, not these days.

A bumper turn out which bodes well for the season with a new signing - Jonesy - and a couple of returning old boys in Darty, Hudson and Chris G respectively - making appearances in an Alliance shirt (which we are led to believe may change before the start of the season if we can invoke the overdraft facilities of our bank account quickly enough).

Coyley gave one of his now infamous team talks, wearing the captain's armband, and while Dai as vice captain was doing up his laces and rubbing in his deep throat, I mean heat, lined the 'new look' Alliance up like so:

Smithy in goals, Johnny at right back, the partnership of Dai and Chris restored at the back and Colin on the left gave us a solid back five. In midfield, veteran Dan Monahan sat in front of the defence allowing Crouchy and Coyley to push on, with Iain and Micah running the flanks with Darty leading the line (or waddling around up front). The team knew they had to perform as in Coyley's new regime no one is safe. Johnny was told he would be subbed at half time before even kicking a ball in anger! Waiting in the wings was a Stuppley, a Hudsony, Woody and a Jonesy.

In the first half, it was quite tight, neither team giving much quarter. The 4-3-3 Coyley formation held up well, as did the defence who were valiant in their efforts to thwart the danger of the opposition's strike force. We had a few frights but Smithy was more than a match for any attempts on goal. In terms of attacking we showed signs of creativity, some strong running by Darty up front, Iain dropping deep and Johnny from right back managing to keep their trickiest player quiet while marauding up the wing. We had a few chances but nothing materialised until Iain got on the end of one and squeezed one in from a tight angle, at least that's how it looked from in goals as we thought it had gone wide. 1-0 Alliance against a first division side. Just before the break Darty was substituted for Hudson, after a clumsy run into the box, Darty lost control and slid into try and force the ball over the line injurying himself in the process.

Half time and quiet contentment for the Alliance. A few changes are made with Micah coming off for Jonesy and Paul coming off for Woody, with Pete coming on for Colin at left back and Hudson barely on for a few seconds in the first half had a half to prove to the boss he'd still got it. Similar stuff in the second but with Fowlers pushing hard for an equaliser there was more pressure on the defence. Temperatures rose with a few flare ups, and with Hudson putting himself about substantially in a way only Hudson knows how. To the point where some idiot baldy on their team started suggesting Hudson should be substituted. Undeterred Hudson continued reckless tackle after reckless tackle.

Somewhere in the middle of this the pressure told. A free kick conceded, a low free kick that escaped the wall bouncing just in front of Micah who did well to save (who by now had as you may have gathered replaced Smithy in goals, who in turned replaced Johnny at right back) but unfortunately spilled the rebound and their strikers were quicker to the ball than us lot and they equalised. Why dont we hit low balls at the keeper and follow them in? Note that one everyone. 1-1 and the natural balance of things for the Alliance. But with Woody and Jonesy pulling the strings we started opening them up as they pressed for a winner. Quite a few attacks later and somewhere a long the line Paul got a tap in and it's 2-1. More of that this season please. A quick response to conceding. Magic. With a few minutes to go with the Fowlers giving up after rebuff after rebuff from the Alliance defence, including some good saves from Micah, Woody put Jonesy into a goal scoring position (I think) and Jonesy smashed it in with the keeper barely moving.

Meanwhile on Planet Hudson, at this point the score being 1-1, Woody set Hudson off on a run to the edge of the penalty area sliding in to knock it past the keeper. The bald guy, abusing Hudson from the stands, came into challenge and fell on top of Hudson who had managed to rub his head a long the astro turf leaving him bloody headed and a swollen eyebrow. Hudson made way for Paul to come back on who eventually scored to make it 2-1. Hmmm this paragraph should have come earlier, oh well.

And that was that. A welcome and morale boosting win for the Alliance - more of this if you please gentlemen.

Coyley got the Alliance's season off to a cracker in a Kevin Peterson style way - but like KP it will be the bad times where Coyley has to prove his worth.

MOM spoils are shared between Johnny and Jonesy respectively.

God bless you Alliance.

15th May Strollers (H) @ Market Road by Coyely

Well fuck me, here I am about to lose my blog virginity, which has been a long time coming, so try and stay with me for my post match scrutiny. Not a bad turn out for a Thursday night with a crew of 13, which gave us a chance to test out 2 new lads in Medge and Johhny.

Paul turned up early doors, only to bump in to old Irish, John the ref who was off down to the bookies for a quick punt before the game, in a bid to carry on his winning streak after having won a £50 spot the previous Saturday in our normal drinking hideaway. Then the lads started turning in with Pete, Iain & Simon arriving at the scene followed by Jeff who I berated for selling me one of the famed, dodgy porn lighters, which broke the next day as I tried to light my Sunday night BBQ. Still though, the female projection, however unclear her muff might be, was the subject of many a laugh last Saturday night.

Bernie gave the reigns to Paul this week and let him deploy his tinkerman skills by letting him choose the team. Due to a lack of centre halves, a makeshift back four was brought together, opting for the little and large combo through the Centre, with Woody & Simon who didn’t disappoint on the night.

Woody, who I thought cancelled his trip to Vienna where he was due to be starring in an underwear advert with 50 agent’ provocateur models and a dwarf in a tuxedo on £200 per hour (absolute bargain and a definite option for the Alliance night out) choosing to play for the Alliance instead. As it goes, It turns out that his flight out was the following morning at 7am, but none the less, good commitment with some trade mark ‘Woody’s!’ sounding out all game.

After deciding against a 3-5-2 formation at the last minute, we decided to go for a flat back 4 and run of the mill midfield and forward line with some positional changes. Jeff filled in as right back and looked strong all game, attacking down the flank and chasing back to defend against their tall number 6 on many occasion. Colin slipped in as left back who has improved alot in recent weeks with some decent tackling, more composure and at last some accurate throw ins!

I went for a standard twosome combination of Dan and Iain in the middle of the park and decided to give Pete the nod over Steve on the left, after I had forgotten which one of them was the natural left footer of the two. I tried Micah on the right this week to see how he faired and he put in a good first half performance with plenty of support for Jeff and some tough slide tackling down the flank. Having played 5 aside a few times with Madge….Midge or Medge – still not totally sure on which it is, but settled for Medge in the end, I tried him up front with yours truly.

The game started off fairly high tempo with good competition in midfield, good work down the right and the defence looking cosier than previous weeks. For the first half, we were looking the strongest by some solid challenging by Dan and Micah. We put pressure on their mid-field from the start and broke away down the flanks on a few occasions, with Paul and Medge exploiting the space on the wings, which allowed the wingers and full backs to push on. Jeff broke through on one notable occasion doing all the hard work in beating the full back, only for the cross to fall short. On the other wing, Pete put in a decent effort before getting a twinge in his thigh, which resulted in Steve taking up the berth on the left wing.

Steve made some good run’s down the left flank and won some flick on’s in the first half, including one lob over the defenders head that Paul latched on to and squandered on his left foot, with the keeper getting down well. Paul later returned the favour by swinging a deep ball in from the right with Steve connecting, but unable to turn goalwards. Strollers can play though and won several corners themselves, where they always posed a threat. It seemed as if they always had a man spare in midfield and a missed pass in the middle of the park led to their first goal which was slotted home nicely by one of their centre mid-fielders the one with the distinct Art Garfunkle-esque hair cut. Still, we pressured and charged down their players well and actually looked like we could hold the ball up for once, which allowed our midfield to get forward.

Then came the corners. We’ve been looking more and more dangerous from these the past couple of weeks with more movement, aggression and accuracy from Iain’s low in – swingers. Dan came close on a couple of occasions and a couple of goalmouth scrambles followed, which resulted in one of their defenders clearing from the line.

Half time and Jon the ref kept up with his weekly one liners by pointing out Bernie looked as if he was in a time warp in reference to his antique goal keeper jersey. A clear sign that we need to get some new kit in for next season. Jon had a good game though, making some good decisions including my booking for the horrendous challenge I made on their fullback. Maybe I’m getting too nice these days, as I actually apologized and tried to check on how badly I mullered his leg.

As the game progressed, the Strollers went on the offensive with a few chances being put through from their midfield, but Little and large combo at the back cleared well and kept themselves amused all game by counting who won the most headers. You were never gonna win that one Woody. Their bearded Brian Blessed look-alike kept trying to break through but was kept quiet by Simon with good cover from Jeff and Woody.

Time for a change and in came new debutant Johnny who came on for Medjey with Micah, who was gradually creeping up front for most of the game, switching to his favoured position as forward. We continually pressed on wards with Iain stringing some good moves together and Dan winning the majority of headers from kicks. New boy Johnny looked effective down the right wing and continually niggled away at their fullback and even had a few efforts on goal. Unfortunately, the deficit increased with another goal from Garfunkle with a delivery that looped over Woody’s head from a bouncing ball in to the box. Nevertheless, The Alliance kept plugging away with Bernie cancelling out their attacks with good marshalling from Simon and Woody.

Bernie exploited the space we had by rolling the balls out from the back to Jeff or one of our centre backs. A few darting runs from both Woody and Simon in defence helped us heap more pressure on the Strollers. More chances came. Johhny swung a good ball in not soon after coming on the pitch but Crouchie, clearly forgetting he was playing centre half for the day, headed ‘a well out Si’ over the bar. We were made to rue more missed chances with a ball spilling to Steve who made an excellent run in to the box only to sky over the bar. Eventually, our continual pressing resulted in another chance at the other end with Garfunkle completing his hat-trick for the night by knocking it over Bernie to make it 3-0.

At times we played like a team, getting in to space and spreading the ball around nicely. The forward line went flat for most of the second half, which was summed up by Micah’s overhead volley blazing over the bar and Paul’s under par performance was later exemplified by latching on to a sitter, but failing to convert after opting to drag it past the keeper on his left, rather than rounding the keeper in the dying minutes of the game. Looking back, we put in a performance against a team we are not a million miles off. This was clearly not a 3-0 game and on a different day, one of us would have scored from those corners and Simon, Steve and Paul would have put away their efforts. We are not a million miles away from being a good team and we can take that effort in to the final game of the season and build on it for the next.

Unfortunately, no beers after the game this time, just a long tube journey home to reflect what could have been had we fired on all cylinders. Back to the house to eat some comfort food (last nights pasta) & watch Sweaty Betty on C4, an interesting documentary about ladies who sweat too much. I’m gutted about finishing bottom of the league and suffering from end of season blues. It’s tough at the top but it’s crap at the bottom gentlemen. We’ve got one more game to try and put it right so lets put the effort in for the final game and make sure we are ready to compete for something for next season.

Check out my player ratings and MOM award below:

Bernie: Made some excellent saves in the first half and had the vision to play it out from the back over the course of the game. Should be playing out of nets.8/10 (Clearly trying to curry favour with the head honcho, could have done better with the second goal, and was at fault for the third so 5/10, but 6/10 for abusing the opposition with random obscenities Ed.)

Colin: Some good tackling & tracking back. Better throw in’s but needs to look up and concentrate more when passing. 6/10

Jeff: Battled against an awkward winger all game & got forward with some excellent running. Passed more than usual. Strong contender for MOM. 8/10

Simon: Reluctant to take out of mid-field but put in a top performance at centre-half as expected. Marked their forward out of the game. Awesome in the air all game apart from the missed effort. 9/10

Woody: Great partnership with Simon at the back. Got in front of his man to win the ball all game and even won some headers against taller opponents. Tried to carry the ball out of defence which is great to see. 9/10

Pete: Looked lively early on collecting the ball from Colin and moving up the pitch but got a twinge early on. Final through ball could have been better on occasion. 6/10

Micah: Asked to play on the right and responded well with some tough challenging and effort going forward. Covered for Jeff well. Moved back up front but performance went flatter in the second half. 7/10

Iain: Much improved passing since last match and laid some nice balls to the wing. Delivery on corners and free kicks has been causing a lot of danger lately. Tends to zonal mark & takes up good positions when ball is held up. 8½ /10

Dan: Reliable as ever in the centre although not playing fully fit. Held ball up and won headers from kicks all game. A couple of good crossed passes in to the box. Likes his corners when he announces ‘Dan’s!’. 8/10

Medge: Okay debut from someone who hasn’t played a great deal of 11 –aside but is one of the silkiest players I’ve played with at 5-aside. Didn’t get much of the ball on the day & should have released earlier on occasion. 6/10

Paul: Fucking absolute shite. Held up a few balls and spread it to Iain on a couple of occasions. Missed 2 good chances on his left foot. Worst performance of the season, should’ve stayed home & played on Pro Evo. 5/10

Subs Used:

Steve: Came on and had a go at the full back from the start. Won some headers but needed to be stronger in the tackle at times. Had the best opportunity to score in the match. 7/10

Johhny: Great debut and some good running down the wing. Draws a foul now and again and had a couple of efforts on goal. Could have released the ball sooner on a few occasions. One for next season. 8/10

Subs not used: Are you having a laugh!?

Man of the match: Difficult one, but I’ve went for Woody. Had to be one of the centre halves and after I doubted he’d be able to fill in, he had a cracking first half winning numerous headers and clearing everything and also tried to push out in the second half.

Saturday 10th May, Perfidious Albion @ Market Road

10^th May 2008. Perfidious Albion @ Market Road.

2-4 Loss

Everything was looking good for this game, off the back of a good effort in the cup we have a wooden spoon playoff with the Derbyesque Perfidious (they are third, and still in for a chance of promotion, ringers I suspect. Ed.). Coyley has been trusted with getting us in the mood and didn’t disappoint us with his mid week tirade on the email. He managed to censor his earlier swear words but as the red mist descended the inevitable obscenities poured forth, firewall alarm bells rang, and across London Alliance players were called to see line managers regarding “professional conduct with personal emails”. Still, it seemed to work, confidence was high.

We arrived to sweltering heat and Geoff (or Del Boy as he will now be known) trying to flog us Porno laser pens/lighters as he had picked up 1000 for 50 quid from the back of some truck. Having plunged the dressing room into darkness to show the projected ‘beauties’ in all their glory Coyley spent his match fees (not a euphemism) on five claiming they would make “canny gifts for the ladies”.

To the game: A half arsed warm up in the melting heat told us this was going to be a tough one and without President Bernie in nets the search for a keeper was on. Thankfully Dai asked the question, waited for the hands to fly up, and then inevitably ended up in goal himself. Woody at this time was getting a little nervous as to why there was no-one around at Kennington at 11.55, a quick ring to Coyley and he was thrashing his car northwards due to arrive before half time. So we line up 4-4-2 Dai in nets, Dan, Pete, Steve and Liam at the back, Midfield of Besty, Simon, Iain and Geoff, Micah and porn addict up front.

The game starts well, good movement and passes hitting feet for the first 30 maybe 40 seconds we even grab an early goal. Dan picks it up at the back, spots the gangly run of Evans and sends one over the top. Evans takes it in his stride, makes a massive meal of the effort and Micah knocks in the rebound off the far post, we’re cruising, and then it goes wrong.

Having had a bit of a session the night before Simon is dead on his feet after the early run and stops moving altogether. This leaves Iain holding the midfield on his own and while Geoff Besty and Simon are off looking for more goals the Albion walk through the midfield and despite valiant efforts from the defence stick 2 past the unlucky Triathalete in the sticks.

John Hall introduces USA ‘94 style water breaks half way through the first half and heat is really telling. We’re all dead on our feet bar Liam who is still valiantly chasing their rapid bald centre forward as time and again is he slotted through on goal thanks to lacklustre tackling in the middle of the park and a daringly high line kept by the defence. I think Besty had a decent chance from the left and Micah and Paul kept working hard up there on their own.

Can’t remember much else about the first half as my eyeballs were sweating and I kept seeing a big beardy fella telling me to “walk towards the light my son”, might have been Dan telling me to “do some fucking work Simon”. Half time came and water was eagerly consumed. After spending my half time head under the tap I knew the game was up, once I could speak again I pathetically apologised to the team and pre-emptively subbed myself after 10 mins of the second half. Albion managed to make it 3-1 2 mins into the second half before we could get the shambling Crouch-a-like off the pitch. On comes Woody into midfield and immediately makes a difference with a cracking drive off the inside of the far post and back into the keeper’s grateful arms. More good work from the rejuvenated midfield sees some good link up play (and don’t know by who, I was dying) and a freekick to the Alliance. Iain floats over a cracking chip and Coyley finishes like Michael Owen (in his Liverpool days). Sadly this was not the turnaround we hoped for and the 4^th for Albion came just minutes later from a corner (good header mind). Alliance heads went down and Dai was under siege, some lovely shoulder drops from Dan moved us up the pitch well from resulting goal kicks but we were gone. Still time for Geoff and Iain to have a ‘bit of handbags’, inevitable in the heat and entertaining to watch.

4-2 loss bad game all round and I apologise sincerely for going out boozing on Friday, I will accept disciplinary actions from the returning Bernie next week. MOM goes to Dai for going in nets and making some fine saves.

After the game all down to the Rosie McCann’s for a few joined by the ref who sneaked out to win 50 quid on the horses and then came back and bought us pints, big up John Hall. A few more pints go down and a spontaneous night out is organised between Coyley, Myself and Dai round Balham. I won’t bore you with the details but it involved a scary Polish nightclub, me drubbing the pair of them 3-0 at snooker, about 15 pints each and my last memory of the night was a room full of people looking up at the ceiling of the Bedford seeing a 15m² image of a naked Thai Girl and Coyley holding his lighter grinning like a naughty schoolboy.

Up for the cup: vs Wimbledon Allstars Thurs 24 May

And so it came to pass. The biggest game in the season for the Northern Alliance. A cup game against the might Allstars, Wimbledon Allstars at Paddington Rec.

We took it seriously - we'd talked tactics after the game the week before on the way to a place reasonably near oblivion by the end. We ran round the track accompanied by the ref. We huddled as Smithy called for togetherness, diginity and action. Paul quoted like Churchill. We were set for a belter.

The pitch was wet - it's known as the wet pitch so I suppose that's fair enough, but this was really wet. We lined up with original Alliance goalie, Hugh Fast, in between the sticks, with Smith at right back, Colin on the left, with Gibbsy and Dai as centre backs, then a midfield of Simon and Iain flanked by Besty and Dan, with Paul and Micah up front. Pete, Ketch and Woody on the bench. Thanks to the support of Kirsty and Janie (well part time support), plus Darty, Hudson and Steve.

The first half was tight, they had a lot of the possession with our lot occassionally breaking. they were playing better football but we were containing them. We had a few scares but nothing that Hugh hadnt seen plenty of times before. They had a few corners, we had the odd free kick and corner, they gave the odd rather unmanly scream and then they scored. I was ball watching and missed my header, this led to Dai missing his, which left Fast with no chances between the sticks 1-0.

Half time is up, and we're still in it to win, they are no where near as good as they used to be and their ginger haired danger man is no where to be seen (he actually wasnt playing as opposed to not being effective or having run off minutes before KO, if he did they didnt say, why would they?). We've got to have a go and we did, by heck we did. Again those green rubbers, were busily rubbing for the other side. Plenty of up and unders, and tussles in the box and a few chances to boot but nothing majorly clear cut from what I can remember. We had a period of 20 minutes where they were properly on the back foot - solid work from Micah, Paul and Dan to hold the ball up, create danger or win free kicks. Some great corners from Iain too. But we couldnt make it count, and they cleared to safety.

It was now or never, I thought 'with me on the pitch it's probably going to be never, with Ketch on the pitch it could be well I never' so on came Ketch in case there was a decent heading situation needing someone who is good at heading. We were still pushing but to no avail. Pete came on for Colin and we decided to go more or less three at the back. Pete doing a sterling job carrying the fight down the left, intercepting their attacks and sticking the ball forward.

We pushed too much, there was no point not doing that, and in fact we were a bit unlucky with ricochets for the second goal. And we knew then it was game over. We kept going and I think came quite close but it's a few weeks away now so I forget.

But there's no forgetting the third goal - it was captured on camera from the side lines, by this time we were down to two at the back with not a 'well out Dai' among us! See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAU0D2-HgDI

And it did come to pass, right past us, 3-0 and game over. But we battled and played as a team, at one point I did a swivel and nearly trying to collect the ball from Hugh. Hudson found solace and a can of Kronenburg on the sidelines, and confessed to rather enjoying it. And then we all went to the pub and that's what really matters.

Saturday 19th April: Shanty Town (A)

Roll the dream sequence:

I woke up on Sunday morning after a wonderful dream: I dreamt the Alliance had won comfortably and I had clean sheets, I dreamt that I'd drunk for 14 hours afterwards. I dreamt that I'd gone back to these girl's house (nothing happened, we just drank) and then got a taxi back to Dai's. I dreamt that I hid in the bed while that fat twat got himself ready for bed with a rather gay routine and singing before noticing I was hiding. I also dreamt I did the same thing in Nick's, Dai's housemate, bed, but unfortunately his mrs jumped in with just a pair of knickers on and I scared the shit out of her.

Then I woke up and realised it wasnt a dream, so made Dai a cup of tea and jumped in with him to catch the last 20 of some rather poor Sunday morning tv, badgering him to give me one of his pillows. He said no to start with but I pointed out he had a perfectly good pillow not currently in use so he was forced to concede. Honestly, some people.

So anyway, 3-0 and the Alliance gave a very resilient performance to give a sniff of not finishing bottom of the league and give us a moral boosting victory before the biggest game of the Alliance's season. It's shit or bust time in the league, luckily this week we remembered to take a massive shit and leave it at Shanty Town's doorstep again. For the third time this season we beat them by three clear goals and they currently lie third in the league. It was their last game of the season but they put in the effort but we held strong from the goal keeper (me) to the defence Guy (new player courtesy of Liam), Liam, Dai and Colin, plus the midfield of Jeffrey, Iain, Simon and Besty with the front men Paul and Micah. And with some expert tactical changes from yours truly I managed to introduce Dan, Pete and Hectar into the fray at more or less the right moments too.

First 25 minutes we were under loads of pressure and had the wind against us and although we had a few scrapes we dealt with it well through a mixture of dubious clearances, wastefulness on their part and a death defying save from Smithy at the feet of their strike force. Then we scored - it seemed like against the run of play (like watching Forest play Wednesday in the early 90s, we'd batter them all game, and then David Hirst would have two runs all game (See Performances by The Body 2002-2006) and score twice (Dont see Performances by The Body 2002-2006). Iain from the corner, Paul ran across the defence and sneaked in, in front of their defence to guide past the keeper. In the pocket. Bang. 1-0 (although Paul should have scored before then and should have completed his hat trick by half time but we wont mention that.) In terms of first half performances, Guy showed enough to suggest he's one for the future, Dai marshalled the back four better than he usually does, and Little and Large in central midfield had resumed normal service.

We had a chat at half time, things are going well and Paul has suggested going in a bit harder in the second half. And he backed this statement up by clearing out one of their wingers shortly after the interval. It seemed like 1-0 for a long time (that's because it was) and they had loads of corners mainly thanks to Colin's timely interventions when they were through on goal. I've swapped Dan for Jeffrey, who had one of his quieter games - saving himself for an epic performance in the cup no doubt - Dan got straight into the business of missing absolute sitters again. And I thought it was going to be one of those days again. But then we got a stone wall penalty - it looked like that from where I was but Paul assures me it was. He stepped up - despite having turned down the chance of hat trick in the first half - and put it in although the keeper had a fair chance to save it. 2-0. That's 10 goals for the season according to Paul - although I'll wait for the league stats.

Time for another sub - we took the opportunity to wrap some of our stars up in cotton wool for Thursday's cup game so Besty and Micah were relieved of their duties - enter Pete and Hectar respectively. As well as an array of injured Alliance members on the side lines including Darty, Hudson and Chris G to lead the choruses of 'Well out Dai's' as we battled to keep smithy in clean sheets. Even Jesus turned up to try and put one in the onion bag but Smithy had it covered. Smithy also set up the third goal, a measured long ball to Dan put him through down the right, a great pass to Peter, who took his time and planted in the third with a well measured strike. Jurassic Park.

So that was the end of that. 3-0 and a solid performance boding well for the cup game.

This week's MOM is Colin who put in his best performance in an Alliance shirt - making countless vital interventions in the second half putting him in contention, a long with the rest of you, for the a gold and black vest on Thursday.

We had a good drink in the pub, the first for a while, with Hudson resuming his life long unrequieted love affair with John Hall in the corner of the pub while the rest of us watched the football. After a few pints, John nipped off for his 4pm match. Nice work.

Sunday 13th April Away vs Perfidious Albion

Now then, another weekend, another game, another missed opportunity.

Our play mirrored the weather, at times bright and breezy at others wet as fuck. This is how far we've come as a team - we used to turn Perfidious Albion over most times we played them, now we dont. To be fair, they've had some new players come into there team and this year's a strange year. FC National beat Strollers (the team who beat us 6-0 the other week) on the top pitch at Market Road while we played.

So we lined up with Smithy in goals, with Dai (skipper for the day) at right back, Eddie and Liam at centre back, with Pete at left back. We went for, what looks now like a rather optimistic 4-3-3 with Jeffrey, Iain and Steve in midfield, with Besty, Micah and Dan who will be known as New Dan, as he is a friend of Iain's as opposed to Dan if you get me.

It was raining heavily and I was doign my best drowned rat impression. The rest of the defence were doing there 'not sure what I'm doing in defence' impression, and like me they had it down pat in the first half as we let in three goals. Again, like many other teams we play, we made them look far far better than they actually are. They appear to have got a few new players who made a difference but nothing we couldnt handle. We were swamped in midfield and 4-3-3 was looking rash. I'd mentioned how we'd revert to 4-4-2 if things werent going well. By 3-0 and half time it was a bit too late for all that. They got the rub of the green and Dai, skipper for the day, flicked one into his own net. So every cloud has a silver lining I suppose. I dont really remember much of a threat at the other end - a few corners, and off target shots, the odd decent move but it was one way traffic. Iain was the lollipop lady trying to placate a load of screaming children rushing by.

Second half, an the ingenius tactical switch came but alas too late. We played a 4-4-2 and were a bit more solid for it. We had the odd scare but with Smithy in goal nonchantly flicking them over when required it was in safe hands. We started threatening there goal more, particularly with the introduction of Dan, replacing Besty, to play with new Dan and Micah. Iain started making us tick with a bit more support in the middle, from Jeffrey, and we were opening them up. they were doing the same but at 3-0 it was worth taking a few risks. And besides, Liam and Dai would give some 'well out Dai', Pete was battling hard on the left and Eddie was more settled at right back, occassionally employed to leather one into orbit from the goal kick. Our pressure told and after a few cracks on goal, Jeffrey, in front of Mrs No.2 or is it 3 or 4?) caught a beauty on the volley and the keeper never moved. With 5 minutes to go, at this stage we could only claim to take the half, as we'd done the last time we played.

MOM - I think it was a unanimous decision that Iain was head and shoulders above the rest this week with tireless running and thoughtful passing (obviously been studying my game).

So 3-1 it ended and I think we're bottom. Never fear it's Shanty Town this week! Hudson - are you ready for the fight again?

This week's top recommendations - Whitest Boy Alive, Guillemots, Joy Division, The Black Kids and ovguide.com - you can basically watch anything you like from TV or film on this website but you cant download it. Sounds like a 10-4 to me chaps.