Up for the cup: vs Wimbledon Allstars Thurs 24 May

And so it came to pass. The biggest game in the season for the Northern Alliance. A cup game against the might Allstars, Wimbledon Allstars at Paddington Rec.

We took it seriously - we'd talked tactics after the game the week before on the way to a place reasonably near oblivion by the end. We ran round the track accompanied by the ref. We huddled as Smithy called for togetherness, diginity and action. Paul quoted like Churchill. We were set for a belter.

The pitch was wet - it's known as the wet pitch so I suppose that's fair enough, but this was really wet. We lined up with original Alliance goalie, Hugh Fast, in between the sticks, with Smith at right back, Colin on the left, with Gibbsy and Dai as centre backs, then a midfield of Simon and Iain flanked by Besty and Dan, with Paul and Micah up front. Pete, Ketch and Woody on the bench. Thanks to the support of Kirsty and Janie (well part time support), plus Darty, Hudson and Steve.

The first half was tight, they had a lot of the possession with our lot occassionally breaking. they were playing better football but we were containing them. We had a few scares but nothing that Hugh hadnt seen plenty of times before. They had a few corners, we had the odd free kick and corner, they gave the odd rather unmanly scream and then they scored. I was ball watching and missed my header, this led to Dai missing his, which left Fast with no chances between the sticks 1-0.

Half time is up, and we're still in it to win, they are no where near as good as they used to be and their ginger haired danger man is no where to be seen (he actually wasnt playing as opposed to not being effective or having run off minutes before KO, if he did they didnt say, why would they?). We've got to have a go and we did, by heck we did. Again those green rubbers, were busily rubbing for the other side. Plenty of up and unders, and tussles in the box and a few chances to boot but nothing majorly clear cut from what I can remember. We had a period of 20 minutes where they were properly on the back foot - solid work from Micah, Paul and Dan to hold the ball up, create danger or win free kicks. Some great corners from Iain too. But we couldnt make it count, and they cleared to safety.

It was now or never, I thought 'with me on the pitch it's probably going to be never, with Ketch on the pitch it could be well I never' so on came Ketch in case there was a decent heading situation needing someone who is good at heading. We were still pushing but to no avail. Pete came on for Colin and we decided to go more or less three at the back. Pete doing a sterling job carrying the fight down the left, intercepting their attacks and sticking the ball forward.

We pushed too much, there was no point not doing that, and in fact we were a bit unlucky with ricochets for the second goal. And we knew then it was game over. We kept going and I think came quite close but it's a few weeks away now so I forget.

But there's no forgetting the third goal - it was captured on camera from the side lines, by this time we were down to two at the back with not a 'well out Dai' among us! See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAU0D2-HgDI

And it did come to pass, right past us, 3-0 and game over. But we battled and played as a team, at one point I did a swivel and nearly trying to collect the ball from Hugh. Hudson found solace and a can of Kronenburg on the sidelines, and confessed to rather enjoying it. And then we all went to the pub and that's what really matters.

Saturday 19th April: Shanty Town (A)

Roll the dream sequence:

I woke up on Sunday morning after a wonderful dream: I dreamt the Alliance had won comfortably and I had clean sheets, I dreamt that I'd drunk for 14 hours afterwards. I dreamt that I'd gone back to these girl's house (nothing happened, we just drank) and then got a taxi back to Dai's. I dreamt that I hid in the bed while that fat twat got himself ready for bed with a rather gay routine and singing before noticing I was hiding. I also dreamt I did the same thing in Nick's, Dai's housemate, bed, but unfortunately his mrs jumped in with just a pair of knickers on and I scared the shit out of her.

Then I woke up and realised it wasnt a dream, so made Dai a cup of tea and jumped in with him to catch the last 20 of some rather poor Sunday morning tv, badgering him to give me one of his pillows. He said no to start with but I pointed out he had a perfectly good pillow not currently in use so he was forced to concede. Honestly, some people.

So anyway, 3-0 and the Alliance gave a very resilient performance to give a sniff of not finishing bottom of the league and give us a moral boosting victory before the biggest game of the Alliance's season. It's shit or bust time in the league, luckily this week we remembered to take a massive shit and leave it at Shanty Town's doorstep again. For the third time this season we beat them by three clear goals and they currently lie third in the league. It was their last game of the season but they put in the effort but we held strong from the goal keeper (me) to the defence Guy (new player courtesy of Liam), Liam, Dai and Colin, plus the midfield of Jeffrey, Iain, Simon and Besty with the front men Paul and Micah. And with some expert tactical changes from yours truly I managed to introduce Dan, Pete and Hectar into the fray at more or less the right moments too.

First 25 minutes we were under loads of pressure and had the wind against us and although we had a few scrapes we dealt with it well through a mixture of dubious clearances, wastefulness on their part and a death defying save from Smithy at the feet of their strike force. Then we scored - it seemed like against the run of play (like watching Forest play Wednesday in the early 90s, we'd batter them all game, and then David Hirst would have two runs all game (See Performances by The Body 2002-2006) and score twice (Dont see Performances by The Body 2002-2006). Iain from the corner, Paul ran across the defence and sneaked in, in front of their defence to guide past the keeper. In the pocket. Bang. 1-0 (although Paul should have scored before then and should have completed his hat trick by half time but we wont mention that.) In terms of first half performances, Guy showed enough to suggest he's one for the future, Dai marshalled the back four better than he usually does, and Little and Large in central midfield had resumed normal service.

We had a chat at half time, things are going well and Paul has suggested going in a bit harder in the second half. And he backed this statement up by clearing out one of their wingers shortly after the interval. It seemed like 1-0 for a long time (that's because it was) and they had loads of corners mainly thanks to Colin's timely interventions when they were through on goal. I've swapped Dan for Jeffrey, who had one of his quieter games - saving himself for an epic performance in the cup no doubt - Dan got straight into the business of missing absolute sitters again. And I thought it was going to be one of those days again. But then we got a stone wall penalty - it looked like that from where I was but Paul assures me it was. He stepped up - despite having turned down the chance of hat trick in the first half - and put it in although the keeper had a fair chance to save it. 2-0. That's 10 goals for the season according to Paul - although I'll wait for the league stats.

Time for another sub - we took the opportunity to wrap some of our stars up in cotton wool for Thursday's cup game so Besty and Micah were relieved of their duties - enter Pete and Hectar respectively. As well as an array of injured Alliance members on the side lines including Darty, Hudson and Chris G to lead the choruses of 'Well out Dai's' as we battled to keep smithy in clean sheets. Even Jesus turned up to try and put one in the onion bag but Smithy had it covered. Smithy also set up the third goal, a measured long ball to Dan put him through down the right, a great pass to Peter, who took his time and planted in the third with a well measured strike. Jurassic Park.

So that was the end of that. 3-0 and a solid performance boding well for the cup game.

This week's MOM is Colin who put in his best performance in an Alliance shirt - making countless vital interventions in the second half putting him in contention, a long with the rest of you, for the a gold and black vest on Thursday.

We had a good drink in the pub, the first for a while, with Hudson resuming his life long unrequieted love affair with John Hall in the corner of the pub while the rest of us watched the football. After a few pints, John nipped off for his 4pm match. Nice work.

Sunday 13th April Away vs Perfidious Albion

Now then, another weekend, another game, another missed opportunity.

Our play mirrored the weather, at times bright and breezy at others wet as fuck. This is how far we've come as a team - we used to turn Perfidious Albion over most times we played them, now we dont. To be fair, they've had some new players come into there team and this year's a strange year. FC National beat Strollers (the team who beat us 6-0 the other week) on the top pitch at Market Road while we played.

So we lined up with Smithy in goals, with Dai (skipper for the day) at right back, Eddie and Liam at centre back, with Pete at left back. We went for, what looks now like a rather optimistic 4-3-3 with Jeffrey, Iain and Steve in midfield, with Besty, Micah and Dan who will be known as New Dan, as he is a friend of Iain's as opposed to Dan if you get me.

It was raining heavily and I was doign my best drowned rat impression. The rest of the defence were doing there 'not sure what I'm doing in defence' impression, and like me they had it down pat in the first half as we let in three goals. Again, like many other teams we play, we made them look far far better than they actually are. They appear to have got a few new players who made a difference but nothing we couldnt handle. We were swamped in midfield and 4-3-3 was looking rash. I'd mentioned how we'd revert to 4-4-2 if things werent going well. By 3-0 and half time it was a bit too late for all that. They got the rub of the green and Dai, skipper for the day, flicked one into his own net. So every cloud has a silver lining I suppose. I dont really remember much of a threat at the other end - a few corners, and off target shots, the odd decent move but it was one way traffic. Iain was the lollipop lady trying to placate a load of screaming children rushing by.

Second half, an the ingenius tactical switch came but alas too late. We played a 4-4-2 and were a bit more solid for it. We had the odd scare but with Smithy in goal nonchantly flicking them over when required it was in safe hands. We started threatening there goal more, particularly with the introduction of Dan, replacing Besty, to play with new Dan and Micah. Iain started making us tick with a bit more support in the middle, from Jeffrey, and we were opening them up. they were doing the same but at 3-0 it was worth taking a few risks. And besides, Liam and Dai would give some 'well out Dai', Pete was battling hard on the left and Eddie was more settled at right back, occassionally employed to leather one into orbit from the goal kick. Our pressure told and after a few cracks on goal, Jeffrey, in front of Mrs No.2 or is it 3 or 4?) caught a beauty on the volley and the keeper never moved. With 5 minutes to go, at this stage we could only claim to take the half, as we'd done the last time we played.

MOM - I think it was a unanimous decision that Iain was head and shoulders above the rest this week with tireless running and thoughtful passing (obviously been studying my game).

So 3-1 it ended and I think we're bottom. Never fear it's Shanty Town this week! Hudson - are you ready for the fight again?

This week's top recommendations - Whitest Boy Alive, Guillemots, Joy Division, The Black Kids and ovguide.com - you can basically watch anything you like from TV or film on this website but you cant download it. Sounds like a 10-4 to me chaps.

30th March Home vs Strollers

Speaking to Dai after the game he pointed out that the Strollers pretty much strolled it. Which to be fair they did. I'm not going to hang around on here rolling out the funnies, making light work of what a ball ache running a Sunday football team can be when me inclination to be organised is slightly higher than my inclination to be intruded by a large Russian or being made to eat your own shit, or worse still someone else's.

So with that in mind. We lost the first half 5-0 - a mixture of them passing their way round us easily, a bit of luck, a few howlers and making it hard for ourselves.

Second half, Jeff had been on the side and we put some plans in place to play some football, restore some pride and limit the already considerable damage. 2-2. We are going to have to start scouting other teams' matches at this rate. Paul scored a great goal and the second was quite good too. About the only positives really - so MOM for Paul this week for battling all through the game. Gibbsy and Simon also deserve a mention. Also it was a welcome return for Chris G, Besty and Hectar Fahey if not such a happy result.

So for the stupid amongst you (which would include me if I wasnt writing this) we lost 7-2. We are always going to lose 7-2 to a team who does a warm down after the game.

For the record it was me in goal, Hectar at right back, Gibbsy and Chris G in the middle of defence with Besty at left back, Pete on the left wing, Iain on the right wing, Woody and Simon in central midfield, Micah and Paul up front. At half time we moved to a 3-5-2 with Jeff coming on for HF, and moving into midfield and Liam swapping with Chris G.

We've got a chance to put it right next week against the same team. Let it not be such a stroll this time please...

March 16: Northern Alliance vs GPR

Let me take you back roughly a day. It’s 9am Sunday morning, I’ve just got home, after narrowly avoiding shitting my pants on the way back from Dai’s place where I’d been indulging in curry, beers and silly cigarettes (See an additional chapter in the 2008 reprint of ‘Well out Dai – a season with the Northern Alliance and some’ entitled ‘These smell more like mixed herbs than draw Bernie’). It’s about ten minutes from the bus stop and I really thought I was going to completely shit myself, on my own road, minutes from my flat. Not pleasant.

Neither was the weather (good link from one paragraph to another I thought), I’ve a text and a phone call and we’re down to 9. It’s hammering it down outside and there’s two Premiership games on the box later, I’m in bed and it’s warm, but not a wet warm thankfully. I’m minutes from calling it off and settling down for a relaxing wank when I get an interruption. It’s Paul on the blower.

‘Alright Bernie’, ‘Alright Paul’, ‘how many we got?’, ‘We’ve only got 9, me, you, your mate, Jeff, his mate, Tommy, Iain, Micah, Gibbsy, and Liam. Ooh hang on a minute, that might be 10, I may have miscounted. Me, you, Jeff, his mate, you and your mate, Gibbsy, Liam, Micah, Tommy and me. Yep 10’

‘We cannae play with 10’ (that’s Paul by the way, I hadn’t just become a professional Geordie). ‘No, but we are’ against my better judgement. Next thing I know Dan’s bringing his boots despite being on crutches and we’ve got a 11. Bring it on.

At the ground, everyone is there just about, but no Micah. Luckily, John, a chap hanging around near our goal, piped up and said he was up for a game so we started with me in goal, John at left back, Flec (at right back, Jeff’s mate), Gibbsy and Liam at centre back, with a four across midfield of Jeffrey, Richie (Paul’s mate), Iain and Tommy, with Paul and Dan up front. It’s windy and rainy, and frankly standing in goal was no fun, and I thought we were 2-1 odds on for a real hiding from GPR.

The first half wasn’t much to write home about (and frankly I think my mother would see to it that I’d becoming straight home, and never going out again, if she’d read the above content, and therefore I wouldn’t need to write home at all). Micah turned up and decided to bollock the whole team for a good 30 minutes. Well done Micah. They scored two goals – one was unfortunate, a rebound went to their striker’s head who duly stuck it further enough away from me for to contemplate a dive. 1-0. Second goal was sloppy and poor, and I probably should have come for the corner but ball watched as did everyone else and the aforementioned striker stuck it away with his head again. We’d played some decent stuff, but without really threatening. John was making inroads down the left, and clearly had played before, as he glided past the opposition with consummate ease.

Crucially, they’d had the wind in the first half. And at Kennington, as we’ve found to our cost this season, that has some bearing on the end result. I assume Paul won the toss, and chose it like that. So well done Paul. Half time – Jeff’s getting ear ache from his mrs about the cold so he comes off for Micah and we go 4-3-3 with Micah taking the third striking birth, and bringing his bollockings on to the pitch. After making copious notes in the first half, Micah had outlined to the boys who was causing us problems and if we shut them out we’d have a chance. A career in football management lies ahead for this lad when he hangs his boots up.

Second half was a completely different story. A new power was rising in the shape of a 4-3-3. Gibbsy announced to me that he wanted to stick it to them. Suddenly it was a class war too. Apart from a few break aways, and one in particular early on in the second half where their striker should have made it three and claimed his hat trick, the Alliance had the power play. Tommy, Dan and Paul linked up well. Flec, Gibbsy and Liam had it sorted at the back which allowed John several forays up the left to provide us another attacking angle with Iain and Richie winning the midfield battle. GPR didn’t want it. Spurred on by Micah, the Alliance did. And the game started to turn. After some neat play, Paul was put through and he finished with a cool finish the like of which his play has not seen in recent weeks. 2-1 and GPR were losing it, they’d dropped deep and allowed us to come on to them. Plus the wind also helped. We had several chances – Paul, Dan, Iain, Tommy were all having a go. Dan particularly should have cleaned up – not showing many signs of a man with ligament damage. The pain goes away when you are through on goal…

I think it was a corner or may be a cross, after a corner had been cleared. A flick possibly and Richie’s in at the back post. 2-2 and there’s enough time to win it. And lose it too. GPR has switched back on and were causing us a few problems although we were still stronger. Their keeper has had to pull off a couple of decent saves. Then there’s a scramble in their box, with Dan at the centre of it. He’s lobbed the keeper in the middle of a hand ball claim to score. But the ref had already blown for a hand ball but decides to give a free kick outside the box despite the fact I could tell from the other end it was in the box. GPR kept very quiet. They knew they’d got lucky with that.

It was all getting passionate out there. Paul and his mate Richie didn’t start tonguing or anything but Micah was inspiring the boys, less with his play more with his encouragements, to press home the advantage. At one point, I thought we’d turned into Green Oak Moreton as Tommy, Iain, Micah and Dan got involved in an internal bust up. Passions were high. We could take our second successive 3 points to boost us up the league.

We didn’t though. We came close. John had a free kick tipped round the post, we had a few corners were we went close, plus he had a mazy run in their box and Micah put one just over the bar too.

At the end it was 2-2. A proud day for the Alliance. A moral victory scored. Eton Riffles if you will. And like Micah Capello said at the end – give yourselves a round of applause, that’s a great come back (to be fair I’m probably paraphrasing some Churchill inspired prose!). And he may or may not have said this but essentially the sentiment was that we should be proud of our performance this week.

MOM this week goes to Liam who was very solid at the back. Although there were many solid performances. Also big thanks to Richie, who scored and was quietly effective with probing passes, and Flec, who look like he’d played there all day (in fact he had, it was his second 90 minutes in a matter of hours), and John, who hopefully we’ll see again.

Saturday 8th March: vs Perfidious Albion (a) at Market Road

Yet again, the games come thick and fast for the Alliance, and yet again we struggled to get a team but come KO we'd got a pretty decent 11. We're playing Perfidious (again, third time and we've still got one more game against them this season in the league!) the team we'd bum rushed 6-0 a couple of weeks earlier.

So we line up with Smithy in goals, a makeshift back four of Jeff and James (who'd dropped out of another team to play for us) as full backs, with Gibbsy (skipper for the day) and debutant Liam at centre back. Three in midfield of Jesse, Iain (to watch their best player) and Simon (who was liable to collapse at any minute due to post-marathon fatigue, 3hrs 50 tidy) then Ballsy in the whole with Paul and Micah up front.

It's windy, cold and we're going to get a load of that really wetting rain that makes things miserable. And I'm in goals. Great. From what I can remember it was reasonably even stevens, nothing much contributed to the history of the beautiful game. I was relatively untroubled in goal, we had the odd scary moment but nothing too hairy. Then halfway through the first half Micah latches on to through ball, and his now customary way powered his way past the defender to slot home. 1-0. Things are looking good - the way we scored it seemed inevitable we'd get more.

However, the inevitability of regular Alliance fc uk ups haunted us again. I was just delighted it wasnt me with a ball high and handsome sailing into the back of the net. It was skipper for the day, Mr Julian Gibbs. A ball over the top and Gibbsy controlled nicely into the path of their German striker (who makes he's a nice bloke but it a massive tw at in my book) with Edgar Davids glasses on who slotted it past the on rushing Smithy. 1-1. Buggar. To be fair, I've made far worse errors in the past! Perfidious perked up after this and it looked like the tide would change - they have a few corners but we scrambled them away. I had a dubious bit of handling which lead to a corner but we weathered the storm. We were also starting to pose a threat again - Ballsy weaving his way around their defence, Jesse with some quick feet, Iain keeping tabs on their play maker and Simon just happy to be standing with his knees and feet pointing in the same direction. Forza Alliance.

Then I got the ball from a shot or over hit pass, or corner so I thought I'd be clever and throw out quickly to Jeff (nb inevitability of a Alliance fc uk up regularity). I nearl undercooked it but luckily Jeff got their first, and passed to Jesse who I think passed to Iain, who neatly slotted in Micah who was free to go on and score his second just before the break. What nearly was a big mess up turned out to be a beautiful thing. Success and failure, closer bed fellows than you might think (or perhaps not as people generally agree that there isnt much between success and failure, and if you want to get all philosophical about it, it depends what you judge as success and failure, whos success is it and why are they pedalling it, those dirty bastards in the media...). Anyway, 2-0. half time. I should mention John Hall failed to turn up again and their organiser had to ref and did a brilliant job.

So in the second half, after having agreed that we're not that great at killing games off, we went on to make hard work of killing the game off. Micah had a shot that was palmed round the post which denied him his hatrick, I think someone may have missed a header and Pete (who came for the second half and had a 20 minute cameo in place of Simon who had steam coming out of his boots by this time) had a chance towards the end but we were still hanging on as Perfidious (a different team from the one that lost 6-0, not nececcarily in personnel but in attitude) came at us for the equaliser.

Jeff, Gibbsy, Liam and James were doing a sterling job to keep them out as they applied the pressure late on. The goal as protected by Gibbsy who more than made up for his first half error with a heroic performance as skipper, he was here there and everywhere to make the last gap challenges where necessary. Liam was also proving to be a sturdy acquisition in the heart of the defence. And Jeff, who occassionally purged his natural attacking desires, did excellently at left back chasing back, winning the tackles as well as starting some of our attacking moves (and I dont even think he had a go at any of our own players this week) so with that in mind Jeff takes MOM this week.

2-0. Our first 3 points in the league since December and only the second team we've beaten in the league this season, as our only other league wins have been against the same team.

Over and out except for this - which I saw as an advert at the cinema and it's really good:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfcYMO-9qbM (generally im not in favour of supporting corporate brands who probably employ 5 year old chinese boys to mould the glass of the bottles but this is a pretty good advert so it's probably ok)

Sunday 2nd March - vs FC National at Kennington

The games are coming thick and fast as we head into the fixture congestion nightmare that is the Alliance's March and April calendar season 6. We're bottom of the league and we're playing FC National who beat us the other week and really shouldnt have. So we due to put that right.

Another makeshift team - with a host of people helping us out to get us 11, or 12, or 13, or even 14 by the time of the KO.

Mickey is reffing as John Hall has dropped out on the day with flu. Neg.

So we line up (I think) with Eddie in goal, me, Colin G and Dai at the back (see first half - on how to defend in an organised manner by the Northern Alliance), with 5 across midfield including Woody and Matt Balls, courtesy of Paul, Iain, Jeff and Steve, with Paul and Micah up front. Plus Colin S, Reza and Tommy on the bench.

In the first half we played some really good stuff, composed at the back with Colin G marshalling me and Dai well. This gave me quite a lot of space and time to exploit as we pushed for a goal. Some great inter-linking play and some stout defending meant we could play high up the pitch. It's a week ago since we played so really the only moment I can remember was the one involving me! Coming from defence, reading the play well and intercepting an FC National pass I stole through as the game opened up for me. And rather than passing, I took a shot from over 20 yards out and was narrowly foiled by the far upright with the keeper beaten. It was a matter of inches. I tend to find it always is. We deserved to be a goal up after our first half - we were the dominant side playing the best football and they had sat back and soaked it all up.

Bouyed by the first half performance, we kept the 3-5-2 formation as it seemed to be working but in pursuit of victory, we lost our shape, and with FC National frustratingly defending well, gaps started appearing at the back. The organisation and confidence of the first half had disappeared in the second, and with two smart breaks down the right FC National sucker punched us with a couple of neat break aways. 2-0 and there's no way back. Mickey did an excellent job of refereeing despite getting quite a bit of stick from both teams.

A short match report as I cant remember much of it - I do remember Dai playing well though, so he gets the MOM award this week.

Until next time.