15th May Strollers (H) @ Market Road by Coyely

Well fuck me, here I am about to lose my blog virginity, which has been a long time coming, so try and stay with me for my post match scrutiny. Not a bad turn out for a Thursday night with a crew of 13, which gave us a chance to test out 2 new lads in Medge and Johhny.

Paul turned up early doors, only to bump in to old Irish, John the ref who was off down to the bookies for a quick punt before the game, in a bid to carry on his winning streak after having won a £50 spot the previous Saturday in our normal drinking hideaway. Then the lads started turning in with Pete, Iain & Simon arriving at the scene followed by Jeff who I berated for selling me one of the famed, dodgy porn lighters, which broke the next day as I tried to light my Sunday night BBQ. Still though, the female projection, however unclear her muff might be, was the subject of many a laugh last Saturday night.

Bernie gave the reigns to Paul this week and let him deploy his tinkerman skills by letting him choose the team. Due to a lack of centre halves, a makeshift back four was brought together, opting for the little and large combo through the Centre, with Woody & Simon who didn’t disappoint on the night.

Woody, who I thought cancelled his trip to Vienna where he was due to be starring in an underwear advert with 50 agent’ provocateur models and a dwarf in a tuxedo on £200 per hour (absolute bargain and a definite option for the Alliance night out) choosing to play for the Alliance instead. As it goes, It turns out that his flight out was the following morning at 7am, but none the less, good commitment with some trade mark ‘Woody’s!’ sounding out all game.

After deciding against a 3-5-2 formation at the last minute, we decided to go for a flat back 4 and run of the mill midfield and forward line with some positional changes. Jeff filled in as right back and looked strong all game, attacking down the flank and chasing back to defend against their tall number 6 on many occasion. Colin slipped in as left back who has improved alot in recent weeks with some decent tackling, more composure and at last some accurate throw ins!

I went for a standard twosome combination of Dan and Iain in the middle of the park and decided to give Pete the nod over Steve on the left, after I had forgotten which one of them was the natural left footer of the two. I tried Micah on the right this week to see how he faired and he put in a good first half performance with plenty of support for Jeff and some tough slide tackling down the flank. Having played 5 aside a few times with Madge….Midge or Medge – still not totally sure on which it is, but settled for Medge in the end, I tried him up front with yours truly.

The game started off fairly high tempo with good competition in midfield, good work down the right and the defence looking cosier than previous weeks. For the first half, we were looking the strongest by some solid challenging by Dan and Micah. We put pressure on their mid-field from the start and broke away down the flanks on a few occasions, with Paul and Medge exploiting the space on the wings, which allowed the wingers and full backs to push on. Jeff broke through on one notable occasion doing all the hard work in beating the full back, only for the cross to fall short. On the other wing, Pete put in a decent effort before getting a twinge in his thigh, which resulted in Steve taking up the berth on the left wing.

Steve made some good run’s down the left flank and won some flick on’s in the first half, including one lob over the defenders head that Paul latched on to and squandered on his left foot, with the keeper getting down well. Paul later returned the favour by swinging a deep ball in from the right with Steve connecting, but unable to turn goalwards. Strollers can play though and won several corners themselves, where they always posed a threat. It seemed as if they always had a man spare in midfield and a missed pass in the middle of the park led to their first goal which was slotted home nicely by one of their centre mid-fielders the one with the distinct Art Garfunkle-esque hair cut. Still, we pressured and charged down their players well and actually looked like we could hold the ball up for once, which allowed our midfield to get forward.

Then came the corners. We’ve been looking more and more dangerous from these the past couple of weeks with more movement, aggression and accuracy from Iain’s low in – swingers. Dan came close on a couple of occasions and a couple of goalmouth scrambles followed, which resulted in one of their defenders clearing from the line.

Half time and Jon the ref kept up with his weekly one liners by pointing out Bernie looked as if he was in a time warp in reference to his antique goal keeper jersey. A clear sign that we need to get some new kit in for next season. Jon had a good game though, making some good decisions including my booking for the horrendous challenge I made on their fullback. Maybe I’m getting too nice these days, as I actually apologized and tried to check on how badly I mullered his leg.

As the game progressed, the Strollers went on the offensive with a few chances being put through from their midfield, but Little and large combo at the back cleared well and kept themselves amused all game by counting who won the most headers. You were never gonna win that one Woody. Their bearded Brian Blessed look-alike kept trying to break through but was kept quiet by Simon with good cover from Jeff and Woody.

Time for a change and in came new debutant Johnny who came on for Medjey with Micah, who was gradually creeping up front for most of the game, switching to his favoured position as forward. We continually pressed on wards with Iain stringing some good moves together and Dan winning the majority of headers from kicks. New boy Johnny looked effective down the right wing and continually niggled away at their fullback and even had a few efforts on goal. Unfortunately, the deficit increased with another goal from Garfunkle with a delivery that looped over Woody’s head from a bouncing ball in to the box. Nevertheless, The Alliance kept plugging away with Bernie cancelling out their attacks with good marshalling from Simon and Woody.

Bernie exploited the space we had by rolling the balls out from the back to Jeff or one of our centre backs. A few darting runs from both Woody and Simon in defence helped us heap more pressure on the Strollers. More chances came. Johhny swung a good ball in not soon after coming on the pitch but Crouchie, clearly forgetting he was playing centre half for the day, headed ‘a well out Si’ over the bar. We were made to rue more missed chances with a ball spilling to Steve who made an excellent run in to the box only to sky over the bar. Eventually, our continual pressing resulted in another chance at the other end with Garfunkle completing his hat-trick for the night by knocking it over Bernie to make it 3-0.

At times we played like a team, getting in to space and spreading the ball around nicely. The forward line went flat for most of the second half, which was summed up by Micah’s overhead volley blazing over the bar and Paul’s under par performance was later exemplified by latching on to a sitter, but failing to convert after opting to drag it past the keeper on his left, rather than rounding the keeper in the dying minutes of the game. Looking back, we put in a performance against a team we are not a million miles off. This was clearly not a 3-0 game and on a different day, one of us would have scored from those corners and Simon, Steve and Paul would have put away their efforts. We are not a million miles away from being a good team and we can take that effort in to the final game of the season and build on it for the next.

Unfortunately, no beers after the game this time, just a long tube journey home to reflect what could have been had we fired on all cylinders. Back to the house to eat some comfort food (last nights pasta) & watch Sweaty Betty on C4, an interesting documentary about ladies who sweat too much. I’m gutted about finishing bottom of the league and suffering from end of season blues. It’s tough at the top but it’s crap at the bottom gentlemen. We’ve got one more game to try and put it right so lets put the effort in for the final game and make sure we are ready to compete for something for next season.

Check out my player ratings and MOM award below:

Bernie: Made some excellent saves in the first half and had the vision to play it out from the back over the course of the game. Should be playing out of nets.8/10 (Clearly trying to curry favour with the head honcho, could have done better with the second goal, and was at fault for the third so 5/10, but 6/10 for abusing the opposition with random obscenities Ed.)

Colin: Some good tackling & tracking back. Better throw in’s but needs to look up and concentrate more when passing. 6/10

Jeff: Battled against an awkward winger all game & got forward with some excellent running. Passed more than usual. Strong contender for MOM. 8/10

Simon: Reluctant to take out of mid-field but put in a top performance at centre-half as expected. Marked their forward out of the game. Awesome in the air all game apart from the missed effort. 9/10

Woody: Great partnership with Simon at the back. Got in front of his man to win the ball all game and even won some headers against taller opponents. Tried to carry the ball out of defence which is great to see. 9/10

Pete: Looked lively early on collecting the ball from Colin and moving up the pitch but got a twinge early on. Final through ball could have been better on occasion. 6/10

Micah: Asked to play on the right and responded well with some tough challenging and effort going forward. Covered for Jeff well. Moved back up front but performance went flatter in the second half. 7/10

Iain: Much improved passing since last match and laid some nice balls to the wing. Delivery on corners and free kicks has been causing a lot of danger lately. Tends to zonal mark & takes up good positions when ball is held up. 8½ /10

Dan: Reliable as ever in the centre although not playing fully fit. Held ball up and won headers from kicks all game. A couple of good crossed passes in to the box. Likes his corners when he announces ‘Dan’s!’. 8/10

Medge: Okay debut from someone who hasn’t played a great deal of 11 –aside but is one of the silkiest players I’ve played with at 5-aside. Didn’t get much of the ball on the day & should have released earlier on occasion. 6/10

Paul: Fucking absolute shite. Held up a few balls and spread it to Iain on a couple of occasions. Missed 2 good chances on his left foot. Worst performance of the season, should’ve stayed home & played on Pro Evo. 5/10

Subs Used:

Steve: Came on and had a go at the full back from the start. Won some headers but needed to be stronger in the tackle at times. Had the best opportunity to score in the match. 7/10

Johhny: Great debut and some good running down the wing. Draws a foul now and again and had a couple of efforts on goal. Could have released the ball sooner on a few occasions. One for next season. 8/10

Subs not used: Are you having a laugh!?

Man of the match: Difficult one, but I’ve went for Woody. Had to be one of the centre halves and after I doubted he’d be able to fill in, he had a cracking first half winning numerous headers and clearing everything and also tried to push out in the second half.

Saturday 10th May, Perfidious Albion @ Market Road

10^th May 2008. Perfidious Albion @ Market Road.

2-4 Loss

Everything was looking good for this game, off the back of a good effort in the cup we have a wooden spoon playoff with the Derbyesque Perfidious (they are third, and still in for a chance of promotion, ringers I suspect. Ed.). Coyley has been trusted with getting us in the mood and didn’t disappoint us with his mid week tirade on the email. He managed to censor his earlier swear words but as the red mist descended the inevitable obscenities poured forth, firewall alarm bells rang, and across London Alliance players were called to see line managers regarding “professional conduct with personal emails”. Still, it seemed to work, confidence was high.

We arrived to sweltering heat and Geoff (or Del Boy as he will now be known) trying to flog us Porno laser pens/lighters as he had picked up 1000 for 50 quid from the back of some truck. Having plunged the dressing room into darkness to show the projected ‘beauties’ in all their glory Coyley spent his match fees (not a euphemism) on five claiming they would make “canny gifts for the ladies”.

To the game: A half arsed warm up in the melting heat told us this was going to be a tough one and without President Bernie in nets the search for a keeper was on. Thankfully Dai asked the question, waited for the hands to fly up, and then inevitably ended up in goal himself. Woody at this time was getting a little nervous as to why there was no-one around at Kennington at 11.55, a quick ring to Coyley and he was thrashing his car northwards due to arrive before half time. So we line up 4-4-2 Dai in nets, Dan, Pete, Steve and Liam at the back, Midfield of Besty, Simon, Iain and Geoff, Micah and porn addict up front.

The game starts well, good movement and passes hitting feet for the first 30 maybe 40 seconds we even grab an early goal. Dan picks it up at the back, spots the gangly run of Evans and sends one over the top. Evans takes it in his stride, makes a massive meal of the effort and Micah knocks in the rebound off the far post, we’re cruising, and then it goes wrong.

Having had a bit of a session the night before Simon is dead on his feet after the early run and stops moving altogether. This leaves Iain holding the midfield on his own and while Geoff Besty and Simon are off looking for more goals the Albion walk through the midfield and despite valiant efforts from the defence stick 2 past the unlucky Triathalete in the sticks.

John Hall introduces USA ‘94 style water breaks half way through the first half and heat is really telling. We’re all dead on our feet bar Liam who is still valiantly chasing their rapid bald centre forward as time and again is he slotted through on goal thanks to lacklustre tackling in the middle of the park and a daringly high line kept by the defence. I think Besty had a decent chance from the left and Micah and Paul kept working hard up there on their own.

Can’t remember much else about the first half as my eyeballs were sweating and I kept seeing a big beardy fella telling me to “walk towards the light my son”, might have been Dan telling me to “do some fucking work Simon”. Half time came and water was eagerly consumed. After spending my half time head under the tap I knew the game was up, once I could speak again I pathetically apologised to the team and pre-emptively subbed myself after 10 mins of the second half. Albion managed to make it 3-1 2 mins into the second half before we could get the shambling Crouch-a-like off the pitch. On comes Woody into midfield and immediately makes a difference with a cracking drive off the inside of the far post and back into the keeper’s grateful arms. More good work from the rejuvenated midfield sees some good link up play (and don’t know by who, I was dying) and a freekick to the Alliance. Iain floats over a cracking chip and Coyley finishes like Michael Owen (in his Liverpool days). Sadly this was not the turnaround we hoped for and the 4^th for Albion came just minutes later from a corner (good header mind). Alliance heads went down and Dai was under siege, some lovely shoulder drops from Dan moved us up the pitch well from resulting goal kicks but we were gone. Still time for Geoff and Iain to have a ‘bit of handbags’, inevitable in the heat and entertaining to watch.

4-2 loss bad game all round and I apologise sincerely for going out boozing on Friday, I will accept disciplinary actions from the returning Bernie next week. MOM goes to Dai for going in nets and making some fine saves.

After the game all down to the Rosie McCann’s for a few joined by the ref who sneaked out to win 50 quid on the horses and then came back and bought us pints, big up John Hall. A few more pints go down and a spontaneous night out is organised between Coyley, Myself and Dai round Balham. I won’t bore you with the details but it involved a scary Polish nightclub, me drubbing the pair of them 3-0 at snooker, about 15 pints each and my last memory of the night was a room full of people looking up at the ceiling of the Bedford seeing a 15m² image of a naked Thai Girl and Coyley holding his lighter grinning like a naughty schoolboy.

Up for the cup: vs Wimbledon Allstars Thurs 24 May

And so it came to pass. The biggest game in the season for the Northern Alliance. A cup game against the might Allstars, Wimbledon Allstars at Paddington Rec.

We took it seriously - we'd talked tactics after the game the week before on the way to a place reasonably near oblivion by the end. We ran round the track accompanied by the ref. We huddled as Smithy called for togetherness, diginity and action. Paul quoted like Churchill. We were set for a belter.

The pitch was wet - it's known as the wet pitch so I suppose that's fair enough, but this was really wet. We lined up with original Alliance goalie, Hugh Fast, in between the sticks, with Smith at right back, Colin on the left, with Gibbsy and Dai as centre backs, then a midfield of Simon and Iain flanked by Besty and Dan, with Paul and Micah up front. Pete, Ketch and Woody on the bench. Thanks to the support of Kirsty and Janie (well part time support), plus Darty, Hudson and Steve.

The first half was tight, they had a lot of the possession with our lot occassionally breaking. they were playing better football but we were containing them. We had a few scares but nothing that Hugh hadnt seen plenty of times before. They had a few corners, we had the odd free kick and corner, they gave the odd rather unmanly scream and then they scored. I was ball watching and missed my header, this led to Dai missing his, which left Fast with no chances between the sticks 1-0.

Half time is up, and we're still in it to win, they are no where near as good as they used to be and their ginger haired danger man is no where to be seen (he actually wasnt playing as opposed to not being effective or having run off minutes before KO, if he did they didnt say, why would they?). We've got to have a go and we did, by heck we did. Again those green rubbers, were busily rubbing for the other side. Plenty of up and unders, and tussles in the box and a few chances to boot but nothing majorly clear cut from what I can remember. We had a period of 20 minutes where they were properly on the back foot - solid work from Micah, Paul and Dan to hold the ball up, create danger or win free kicks. Some great corners from Iain too. But we couldnt make it count, and they cleared to safety.

It was now or never, I thought 'with me on the pitch it's probably going to be never, with Ketch on the pitch it could be well I never' so on came Ketch in case there was a decent heading situation needing someone who is good at heading. We were still pushing but to no avail. Pete came on for Colin and we decided to go more or less three at the back. Pete doing a sterling job carrying the fight down the left, intercepting their attacks and sticking the ball forward.

We pushed too much, there was no point not doing that, and in fact we were a bit unlucky with ricochets for the second goal. And we knew then it was game over. We kept going and I think came quite close but it's a few weeks away now so I forget.

But there's no forgetting the third goal - it was captured on camera from the side lines, by this time we were down to two at the back with not a 'well out Dai' among us! See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAU0D2-HgDI

And it did come to pass, right past us, 3-0 and game over. But we battled and played as a team, at one point I did a swivel and nearly trying to collect the ball from Hugh. Hudson found solace and a can of Kronenburg on the sidelines, and confessed to rather enjoying it. And then we all went to the pub and that's what really matters.

Saturday 19th April: Shanty Town (A)

Roll the dream sequence:

I woke up on Sunday morning after a wonderful dream: I dreamt the Alliance had won comfortably and I had clean sheets, I dreamt that I'd drunk for 14 hours afterwards. I dreamt that I'd gone back to these girl's house (nothing happened, we just drank) and then got a taxi back to Dai's. I dreamt that I hid in the bed while that fat twat got himself ready for bed with a rather gay routine and singing before noticing I was hiding. I also dreamt I did the same thing in Nick's, Dai's housemate, bed, but unfortunately his mrs jumped in with just a pair of knickers on and I scared the shit out of her.

Then I woke up and realised it wasnt a dream, so made Dai a cup of tea and jumped in with him to catch the last 20 of some rather poor Sunday morning tv, badgering him to give me one of his pillows. He said no to start with but I pointed out he had a perfectly good pillow not currently in use so he was forced to concede. Honestly, some people.

So anyway, 3-0 and the Alliance gave a very resilient performance to give a sniff of not finishing bottom of the league and give us a moral boosting victory before the biggest game of the Alliance's season. It's shit or bust time in the league, luckily this week we remembered to take a massive shit and leave it at Shanty Town's doorstep again. For the third time this season we beat them by three clear goals and they currently lie third in the league. It was their last game of the season but they put in the effort but we held strong from the goal keeper (me) to the defence Guy (new player courtesy of Liam), Liam, Dai and Colin, plus the midfield of Jeffrey, Iain, Simon and Besty with the front men Paul and Micah. And with some expert tactical changes from yours truly I managed to introduce Dan, Pete and Hectar into the fray at more or less the right moments too.

First 25 minutes we were under loads of pressure and had the wind against us and although we had a few scrapes we dealt with it well through a mixture of dubious clearances, wastefulness on their part and a death defying save from Smithy at the feet of their strike force. Then we scored - it seemed like against the run of play (like watching Forest play Wednesday in the early 90s, we'd batter them all game, and then David Hirst would have two runs all game (See Performances by The Body 2002-2006) and score twice (Dont see Performances by The Body 2002-2006). Iain from the corner, Paul ran across the defence and sneaked in, in front of their defence to guide past the keeper. In the pocket. Bang. 1-0 (although Paul should have scored before then and should have completed his hat trick by half time but we wont mention that.) In terms of first half performances, Guy showed enough to suggest he's one for the future, Dai marshalled the back four better than he usually does, and Little and Large in central midfield had resumed normal service.

We had a chat at half time, things are going well and Paul has suggested going in a bit harder in the second half. And he backed this statement up by clearing out one of their wingers shortly after the interval. It seemed like 1-0 for a long time (that's because it was) and they had loads of corners mainly thanks to Colin's timely interventions when they were through on goal. I've swapped Dan for Jeffrey, who had one of his quieter games - saving himself for an epic performance in the cup no doubt - Dan got straight into the business of missing absolute sitters again. And I thought it was going to be one of those days again. But then we got a stone wall penalty - it looked like that from where I was but Paul assures me it was. He stepped up - despite having turned down the chance of hat trick in the first half - and put it in although the keeper had a fair chance to save it. 2-0. That's 10 goals for the season according to Paul - although I'll wait for the league stats.

Time for another sub - we took the opportunity to wrap some of our stars up in cotton wool for Thursday's cup game so Besty and Micah were relieved of their duties - enter Pete and Hectar respectively. As well as an array of injured Alliance members on the side lines including Darty, Hudson and Chris G to lead the choruses of 'Well out Dai's' as we battled to keep smithy in clean sheets. Even Jesus turned up to try and put one in the onion bag but Smithy had it covered. Smithy also set up the third goal, a measured long ball to Dan put him through down the right, a great pass to Peter, who took his time and planted in the third with a well measured strike. Jurassic Park.

So that was the end of that. 3-0 and a solid performance boding well for the cup game.

This week's MOM is Colin who put in his best performance in an Alliance shirt - making countless vital interventions in the second half putting him in contention, a long with the rest of you, for the a gold and black vest on Thursday.

We had a good drink in the pub, the first for a while, with Hudson resuming his life long unrequieted love affair with John Hall in the corner of the pub while the rest of us watched the football. After a few pints, John nipped off for his 4pm match. Nice work.

Sunday 13th April Away vs Perfidious Albion

Now then, another weekend, another game, another missed opportunity.

Our play mirrored the weather, at times bright and breezy at others wet as fuck. This is how far we've come as a team - we used to turn Perfidious Albion over most times we played them, now we dont. To be fair, they've had some new players come into there team and this year's a strange year. FC National beat Strollers (the team who beat us 6-0 the other week) on the top pitch at Market Road while we played.

So we lined up with Smithy in goals, with Dai (skipper for the day) at right back, Eddie and Liam at centre back, with Pete at left back. We went for, what looks now like a rather optimistic 4-3-3 with Jeffrey, Iain and Steve in midfield, with Besty, Micah and Dan who will be known as New Dan, as he is a friend of Iain's as opposed to Dan if you get me.

It was raining heavily and I was doign my best drowned rat impression. The rest of the defence were doing there 'not sure what I'm doing in defence' impression, and like me they had it down pat in the first half as we let in three goals. Again, like many other teams we play, we made them look far far better than they actually are. They appear to have got a few new players who made a difference but nothing we couldnt handle. We were swamped in midfield and 4-3-3 was looking rash. I'd mentioned how we'd revert to 4-4-2 if things werent going well. By 3-0 and half time it was a bit too late for all that. They got the rub of the green and Dai, skipper for the day, flicked one into his own net. So every cloud has a silver lining I suppose. I dont really remember much of a threat at the other end - a few corners, and off target shots, the odd decent move but it was one way traffic. Iain was the lollipop lady trying to placate a load of screaming children rushing by.

Second half, an the ingenius tactical switch came but alas too late. We played a 4-4-2 and were a bit more solid for it. We had the odd scare but with Smithy in goal nonchantly flicking them over when required it was in safe hands. We started threatening there goal more, particularly with the introduction of Dan, replacing Besty, to play with new Dan and Micah. Iain started making us tick with a bit more support in the middle, from Jeffrey, and we were opening them up. they were doing the same but at 3-0 it was worth taking a few risks. And besides, Liam and Dai would give some 'well out Dai', Pete was battling hard on the left and Eddie was more settled at right back, occassionally employed to leather one into orbit from the goal kick. Our pressure told and after a few cracks on goal, Jeffrey, in front of Mrs No.2 or is it 3 or 4?) caught a beauty on the volley and the keeper never moved. With 5 minutes to go, at this stage we could only claim to take the half, as we'd done the last time we played.

MOM - I think it was a unanimous decision that Iain was head and shoulders above the rest this week with tireless running and thoughtful passing (obviously been studying my game).

So 3-1 it ended and I think we're bottom. Never fear it's Shanty Town this week! Hudson - are you ready for the fight again?

This week's top recommendations - Whitest Boy Alive, Guillemots, Joy Division, The Black Kids and ovguide.com - you can basically watch anything you like from TV or film on this website but you cant download it. Sounds like a 10-4 to me chaps.

30th March Home vs Strollers

Speaking to Dai after the game he pointed out that the Strollers pretty much strolled it. Which to be fair they did. I'm not going to hang around on here rolling out the funnies, making light work of what a ball ache running a Sunday football team can be when me inclination to be organised is slightly higher than my inclination to be intruded by a large Russian or being made to eat your own shit, or worse still someone else's.

So with that in mind. We lost the first half 5-0 - a mixture of them passing their way round us easily, a bit of luck, a few howlers and making it hard for ourselves.

Second half, Jeff had been on the side and we put some plans in place to play some football, restore some pride and limit the already considerable damage. 2-2. We are going to have to start scouting other teams' matches at this rate. Paul scored a great goal and the second was quite good too. About the only positives really - so MOM for Paul this week for battling all through the game. Gibbsy and Simon also deserve a mention. Also it was a welcome return for Chris G, Besty and Hectar Fahey if not such a happy result.

So for the stupid amongst you (which would include me if I wasnt writing this) we lost 7-2. We are always going to lose 7-2 to a team who does a warm down after the game.

For the record it was me in goal, Hectar at right back, Gibbsy and Chris G in the middle of defence with Besty at left back, Pete on the left wing, Iain on the right wing, Woody and Simon in central midfield, Micah and Paul up front. At half time we moved to a 3-5-2 with Jeff coming on for HF, and moving into midfield and Liam swapping with Chris G.

We've got a chance to put it right next week against the same team. Let it not be such a stroll this time please...

March 16: Northern Alliance vs GPR

Let me take you back roughly a day. It’s 9am Sunday morning, I’ve just got home, after narrowly avoiding shitting my pants on the way back from Dai’s place where I’d been indulging in curry, beers and silly cigarettes (See an additional chapter in the 2008 reprint of ‘Well out Dai – a season with the Northern Alliance and some’ entitled ‘These smell more like mixed herbs than draw Bernie’). It’s about ten minutes from the bus stop and I really thought I was going to completely shit myself, on my own road, minutes from my flat. Not pleasant.

Neither was the weather (good link from one paragraph to another I thought), I’ve a text and a phone call and we’re down to 9. It’s hammering it down outside and there’s two Premiership games on the box later, I’m in bed and it’s warm, but not a wet warm thankfully. I’m minutes from calling it off and settling down for a relaxing wank when I get an interruption. It’s Paul on the blower.

‘Alright Bernie’, ‘Alright Paul’, ‘how many we got?’, ‘We’ve only got 9, me, you, your mate, Jeff, his mate, Tommy, Iain, Micah, Gibbsy, and Liam. Ooh hang on a minute, that might be 10, I may have miscounted. Me, you, Jeff, his mate, you and your mate, Gibbsy, Liam, Micah, Tommy and me. Yep 10’

‘We cannae play with 10’ (that’s Paul by the way, I hadn’t just become a professional Geordie). ‘No, but we are’ against my better judgement. Next thing I know Dan’s bringing his boots despite being on crutches and we’ve got a 11. Bring it on.

At the ground, everyone is there just about, but no Micah. Luckily, John, a chap hanging around near our goal, piped up and said he was up for a game so we started with me in goal, John at left back, Flec (at right back, Jeff’s mate), Gibbsy and Liam at centre back, with a four across midfield of Jeffrey, Richie (Paul’s mate), Iain and Tommy, with Paul and Dan up front. It’s windy and rainy, and frankly standing in goal was no fun, and I thought we were 2-1 odds on for a real hiding from GPR.

The first half wasn’t much to write home about (and frankly I think my mother would see to it that I’d becoming straight home, and never going out again, if she’d read the above content, and therefore I wouldn’t need to write home at all). Micah turned up and decided to bollock the whole team for a good 30 minutes. Well done Micah. They scored two goals – one was unfortunate, a rebound went to their striker’s head who duly stuck it further enough away from me for to contemplate a dive. 1-0. Second goal was sloppy and poor, and I probably should have come for the corner but ball watched as did everyone else and the aforementioned striker stuck it away with his head again. We’d played some decent stuff, but without really threatening. John was making inroads down the left, and clearly had played before, as he glided past the opposition with consummate ease.

Crucially, they’d had the wind in the first half. And at Kennington, as we’ve found to our cost this season, that has some bearing on the end result. I assume Paul won the toss, and chose it like that. So well done Paul. Half time – Jeff’s getting ear ache from his mrs about the cold so he comes off for Micah and we go 4-3-3 with Micah taking the third striking birth, and bringing his bollockings on to the pitch. After making copious notes in the first half, Micah had outlined to the boys who was causing us problems and if we shut them out we’d have a chance. A career in football management lies ahead for this lad when he hangs his boots up.

Second half was a completely different story. A new power was rising in the shape of a 4-3-3. Gibbsy announced to me that he wanted to stick it to them. Suddenly it was a class war too. Apart from a few break aways, and one in particular early on in the second half where their striker should have made it three and claimed his hat trick, the Alliance had the power play. Tommy, Dan and Paul linked up well. Flec, Gibbsy and Liam had it sorted at the back which allowed John several forays up the left to provide us another attacking angle with Iain and Richie winning the midfield battle. GPR didn’t want it. Spurred on by Micah, the Alliance did. And the game started to turn. After some neat play, Paul was put through and he finished with a cool finish the like of which his play has not seen in recent weeks. 2-1 and GPR were losing it, they’d dropped deep and allowed us to come on to them. Plus the wind also helped. We had several chances – Paul, Dan, Iain, Tommy were all having a go. Dan particularly should have cleaned up – not showing many signs of a man with ligament damage. The pain goes away when you are through on goal…

I think it was a corner or may be a cross, after a corner had been cleared. A flick possibly and Richie’s in at the back post. 2-2 and there’s enough time to win it. And lose it too. GPR has switched back on and were causing us a few problems although we were still stronger. Their keeper has had to pull off a couple of decent saves. Then there’s a scramble in their box, with Dan at the centre of it. He’s lobbed the keeper in the middle of a hand ball claim to score. But the ref had already blown for a hand ball but decides to give a free kick outside the box despite the fact I could tell from the other end it was in the box. GPR kept very quiet. They knew they’d got lucky with that.

It was all getting passionate out there. Paul and his mate Richie didn’t start tonguing or anything but Micah was inspiring the boys, less with his play more with his encouragements, to press home the advantage. At one point, I thought we’d turned into Green Oak Moreton as Tommy, Iain, Micah and Dan got involved in an internal bust up. Passions were high. We could take our second successive 3 points to boost us up the league.

We didn’t though. We came close. John had a free kick tipped round the post, we had a few corners were we went close, plus he had a mazy run in their box and Micah put one just over the bar too.

At the end it was 2-2. A proud day for the Alliance. A moral victory scored. Eton Riffles if you will. And like Micah Capello said at the end – give yourselves a round of applause, that’s a great come back (to be fair I’m probably paraphrasing some Churchill inspired prose!). And he may or may not have said this but essentially the sentiment was that we should be proud of our performance this week.

MOM this week goes to Liam who was very solid at the back. Although there were many solid performances. Also big thanks to Richie, who scored and was quietly effective with probing passes, and Flec, who look like he’d played there all day (in fact he had, it was his second 90 minutes in a matter of hours), and John, who hopefully we’ll see again.