Saturday 10th May, Perfidious Albion @ Market Road

10^th May 2008. Perfidious Albion @ Market Road.

2-4 Loss

Everything was looking good for this game, off the back of a good effort in the cup we have a wooden spoon playoff with the Derbyesque Perfidious (they are third, and still in for a chance of promotion, ringers I suspect. Ed.). Coyley has been trusted with getting us in the mood and didn’t disappoint us with his mid week tirade on the email. He managed to censor his earlier swear words but as the red mist descended the inevitable obscenities poured forth, firewall alarm bells rang, and across London Alliance players were called to see line managers regarding “professional conduct with personal emails”. Still, it seemed to work, confidence was high.

We arrived to sweltering heat and Geoff (or Del Boy as he will now be known) trying to flog us Porno laser pens/lighters as he had picked up 1000 for 50 quid from the back of some truck. Having plunged the dressing room into darkness to show the projected ‘beauties’ in all their glory Coyley spent his match fees (not a euphemism) on five claiming they would make “canny gifts for the ladies”.

To the game: A half arsed warm up in the melting heat told us this was going to be a tough one and without President Bernie in nets the search for a keeper was on. Thankfully Dai asked the question, waited for the hands to fly up, and then inevitably ended up in goal himself. Woody at this time was getting a little nervous as to why there was no-one around at Kennington at 11.55, a quick ring to Coyley and he was thrashing his car northwards due to arrive before half time. So we line up 4-4-2 Dai in nets, Dan, Pete, Steve and Liam at the back, Midfield of Besty, Simon, Iain and Geoff, Micah and porn addict up front.

The game starts well, good movement and passes hitting feet for the first 30 maybe 40 seconds we even grab an early goal. Dan picks it up at the back, spots the gangly run of Evans and sends one over the top. Evans takes it in his stride, makes a massive meal of the effort and Micah knocks in the rebound off the far post, we’re cruising, and then it goes wrong.

Having had a bit of a session the night before Simon is dead on his feet after the early run and stops moving altogether. This leaves Iain holding the midfield on his own and while Geoff Besty and Simon are off looking for more goals the Albion walk through the midfield and despite valiant efforts from the defence stick 2 past the unlucky Triathalete in the sticks.

John Hall introduces USA ‘94 style water breaks half way through the first half and heat is really telling. We’re all dead on our feet bar Liam who is still valiantly chasing their rapid bald centre forward as time and again is he slotted through on goal thanks to lacklustre tackling in the middle of the park and a daringly high line kept by the defence. I think Besty had a decent chance from the left and Micah and Paul kept working hard up there on their own.

Can’t remember much else about the first half as my eyeballs were sweating and I kept seeing a big beardy fella telling me to “walk towards the light my son”, might have been Dan telling me to “do some fucking work Simon”. Half time came and water was eagerly consumed. After spending my half time head under the tap I knew the game was up, once I could speak again I pathetically apologised to the team and pre-emptively subbed myself after 10 mins of the second half. Albion managed to make it 3-1 2 mins into the second half before we could get the shambling Crouch-a-like off the pitch. On comes Woody into midfield and immediately makes a difference with a cracking drive off the inside of the far post and back into the keeper’s grateful arms. More good work from the rejuvenated midfield sees some good link up play (and don’t know by who, I was dying) and a freekick to the Alliance. Iain floats over a cracking chip and Coyley finishes like Michael Owen (in his Liverpool days). Sadly this was not the turnaround we hoped for and the 4^th for Albion came just minutes later from a corner (good header mind). Alliance heads went down and Dai was under siege, some lovely shoulder drops from Dan moved us up the pitch well from resulting goal kicks but we were gone. Still time for Geoff and Iain to have a ‘bit of handbags’, inevitable in the heat and entertaining to watch.

4-2 loss bad game all round and I apologise sincerely for going out boozing on Friday, I will accept disciplinary actions from the returning Bernie next week. MOM goes to Dai for going in nets and making some fine saves.

After the game all down to the Rosie McCann’s for a few joined by the ref who sneaked out to win 50 quid on the horses and then came back and bought us pints, big up John Hall. A few more pints go down and a spontaneous night out is organised between Coyley, Myself and Dai round Balham. I won’t bore you with the details but it involved a scary Polish nightclub, me drubbing the pair of them 3-0 at snooker, about 15 pints each and my last memory of the night was a room full of people looking up at the ceiling of the Bedford seeing a 15m² image of a naked Thai Girl and Coyley holding his lighter grinning like a naughty schoolboy.