By St Dai himself, sure to be cumming down your chimney this Christmas...
What sort of Christmas would it be without an Alliance Christmas shindig? Well, I’ll leave those of you who couldn’t make this particular festive knees-up to ponder that and ask yourselves if you’re the poorer for it. If, having thought about it, the answer still escapes you, let me point you in the right direction: I think it’s akin to Butch without Cassidy, Cannon without Ball, Crankie without the other smaller Crankie – you know, the one that’s actually a bird. In short, it’s a gaping chasm on your social calendar.
So, to the 4th or 5th annual Alliance Christmas Do. In a departure from tradition that had blood at boiling point amongst the self-styled ‘old-guard’, the Thames Tandoori at Waterloo was shunned in preference of a trip up North (though not to the grim-oop-north North where Celtic band tattoos have recently been ditched in preference for a Nick Ketchell varicose vein motif). It was a brave move by Social Secretary Crouch that took an almost exclusively South-residing team to Finsbury Park Bowling Alley, but the promise of a late night extremist meeting in the nearby mosque quickly put paid to any sense of uprising. Coyley’d brought a head scarf and everything.
First to the lanes were Bernie, Steve, Formerly-disgraced Captain Coyle, Iain, Crouchie and Dai. A quick tussle with the in-lane computer and a scout around for suitable balls – Bernie was particularly thorough in this – and we were away. Iain, Simon and Steve started solidly enough, Bernie got an early strike (no I didn’t I was useless, ed.), Coyley was reining in his competitive instincts whilst I booted my first ball into touch and over the fence. Well out Dai.
After some early jostling, the table started to sort itself out. Iain and Simon were looking good for Europe, Steve was safe in mid-table, whilst Bernie and Coyley had started negotiations to bring in Ron Atkinson and Joe Kinnear respectively as the fans started to turn against them. Dai, meantime, was looking good for top-spot as he bored everyone to death with a series of solid if unspectacular spares. I’ll be honest and say that I was hoping for greater fuss and comment about my technique, but that’s an all too familiar story.
Little had changed by the end of Game 1. Crouchie had attempted some outrageous spin bowling – to cries of ‘chucker’ – and Iain had attempted a spirited dash for top-spot only to fall short. Bernie had managed to bowl 4 consecutive balls without knocking over a single pin and Paul had resorted to scaring the shit out of the pins in an attempt to climb his way back up the table. If memory serves, the two-footed challenge on the king-pin was particularly out of order. Still, at least he didn’t actually ‘strike’ anything. (Thanks – ed.)
High drama before Game 2 as some people went to the bar. Shortly afterwards Bernie unveiled the evening’s special guests. Enter our midfield general Dan Monahan, Chairman ‘Listen, I was never actually charged with anything’ Malice and Chris ‘I’m bang up for every game this season’ Ketchell. Two of the three 3 newcomers stepped in to replace Game 1’s ‘Turkeys’ (Crouchie – are you having that?) and we were off again.
After only a few frames it was apparent that two key battles were emerging: Iain and Simon were going head-to-head in the Bureau Vertias Plate Competition whilst Dan and Dai were trading strikes and spares at will at the top of the table. At the bottom end of the table, Paul was nearing suspension for 5 yellow cards and Ketch was clearly distracted by the fact that he hadn’t got his buttons quite right after ripping his shirt open in an earlier celebration. None of this was helping Dan and Dai who had gone into big game mode: cold towels, psychotic stares and headphones on in-between frames.
We could scarcely have asked for more drama in the final analysis. It’s what makes Big Game Bowling so enthralling. As Dai and Dan traded punches (Paul traded punches with a nearby 7-year old who had ‘looked at him funny, like’) the tension mounted and interest in the game grew. Two gladiators in their coliseum watched by Simon, and intermittently by Iain and Steve in-between fag breaks. But what drama was to come?
With two balls left, Dan needed to knock all 10 down to win…
“He’d have taken that if you’d asked him before kick-off…” mumbled Alan Parry.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the man…” said Martin Tyler.
“10 pins from glory. And boy, 10 lords will leap if he makes this” eulogised Peter Drury.
“To me. To you” croaked Barry Chuckle.
And, despite having rolled his sleeves up, he missed.
No matter, the night wasn’t done yet. From there on to Carnaby Street for some more ale and then to stand outside Strawberry Moon’s for 20 minutes. The reasons for this are still unclear, but the decision to give-up and move on prompted unanimous cries of “Well, it’s f*cking a car crash of a place anyway”. Or maybe that was just me.
And then there were 5. Crouchie, Bernie, Dan, Paul and Dai – hang on, let me count that again. Five, definitely – headed for Brixton with the promise of more revelry and the outside possibility of a knifing.
It was half hour or so before we really found our feet in Brixton and then – if it’s possible – it was because we took up arms. Still smarting from narrow defeat in the bowling and with machismo coarsing through every sinew, Dan suggested an arm-wrestle. Early money went on Dan and Paul, Simon and Dai were sensibly over-looked, whilst at the off more money had been put on Bernie to be Christmas No. 1 than be arm-wrestling champion. (As it turned out, ‘Reet fit arse’ by Bernie & Mickey featuring Gary Glitter failed to get general release, though you it should still be available at www.glittermyarse.com).
In an early round, Simon beat Paul – or maybe Paul beat Simon – whilst Bernie showed his hand by putting Dai to the sword (he was later reinstated after using a sword was found to be within the rules Coyley was playing by). Bernie went on to put up good showings against the others, earning himself the nickname ‘The Arm’. By now the penny had dropped and no-one could quite believe how it was that we hadn’t imagined Bernie to have at least one giant forearm.
And so to the final. Coyle vs. Monahan. It went on for 3.5 hours and – isn’t it always the way? – as I went to get beers and hot-dogs when it finished, I can’t remember who won. I think it was Dan. Yes, it was Dan. There were definitely 2 dead on-lookers when I returned which I took to mean that Coyley had probably been defeated. Two more dead on the way to the next pub too. Carnage on the streets of London.
The night was drawing to a close but there was still time for a few rounds of shots, some circular, arm-in-arm dancing to Sheriff Fatman by Carter USM, and for Dai and Coyley to plot an unlikely coup to overthrow Bernie and sell the club on eBay. There was also time for Bernie to claim that he would “definitely take some dirt home tonight”. And still time for him to fail. Not there Bernie.
So, to sum up? Christmas comes but once a year and with nights like this, more’s the pity. Man of match awards to everyone who turned up and I’ll leave you with the words of Noddy Holder: “It is better to have bowled and lost than never to have bowled at all.”
Happy Christmas.
Forza Alliance.
Dai.
PS from the ed.
As is always the case, the evening was spoilt slightly at the end – 5 crazy, testosterone fuelled dogs made for home after a victorious KFC dinner. Only for Dai to throw his coke, in an act which can only be described as totally g*y, over the once spotlessly clean restaurant floor. I wouldnt have minded if it had been an act of valiance against the inane uniformity of everything the KFC brand stands for. But we all know that will have been cleaned up by an illegal immigrant on less than minimum wage later that evening. He knew he’d done wrong as soon as he’d done it. Suddenly the early evening bowling victory didn’t seem such a victory after all.
Merry Christmas.
BS
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Sunday, 16 November 2008
15 November: Shanty Town (h): Clapham Common: League
After an absurdly bad result a week and a half ago in the cup, it was time to put some points on the board against Shanty Town at our new (for now) home ground of Clapham Common. I have happy memories of beating this lot last season, so even the dark barn that passes for changing rooms in Clapham couldn’t dampen the pre-match spirits.
The pitch was small, narrow, slightly sloping and with one goal about 25 yards in front of a busy road. Oh, and we had to frig around putting the nets up. So far I’m unimpressed with the new home ground.
Paul rounded us up for the team talk and steered clear from any mice-and-men literary symbolism this week. “We can beat these. Our luck’s got to change some time” was the long and short of it. So we line up with Eddy between the sticks, a back four of Bernie, Dan, Ketch and Chris; myself (Pete), Hudson, Simon and Ian across the middle; and Captain Coyley paired with Medge up front.
Early on we had the wind in our sails (and behind Eddy’s goal kicks) and were giving the blue-clad Shanty Town a fair bit to think about. Their subs set the team stall out early (metaphorically: it wasn’t a bring-and-buy sale) by whingeing and moaning about every tackle, and every decision by referee John. Speaking of John, when he arrived for the match the first thing he asked was “is Hudson here?” and then later recommended we get a large pot of vaseline for the first aid kit. Draw your own conclusions.
Back on the pitch, our early pressure paid off after Medge was brought down in their box. In spite of Town’s hysterics, John awarded a penalty and Paul coolly converted. 1-0. This kick up the arse gave the opposition renewed focus and they began giving us all sorts of problems, not least cos of our hopeless inability to win anything in the air. “Free header” they all chorused at each other after every goal kick. Our lead was short lived – a decent attacking move left our defence a man short and their lanky forward lobbed neatly over Eddy’s outstretched glove. 1-1 and all the chat is coming from the blue half of the pitch.
The remaining 15 minutes of the half continued in a similar vein – we gave the ball away cheaply, failed to win it back, they harried and pushed forward, using Fatty Fudge on the wing to sling in Rory Delap-style long throws. The exact details escape me but they put the ball in our net twice more before John blew for half time. 3-1 to them. Ian tried to whip up enthusiasm by shouting “heads up Alliance” as we trudged off, but I couldn’t help noticing he was staring disconsolately at the ground as he said it. We were all pretty dejected, except Paul who was apoplectic with fury that we were – once again – staring at defeat by an unimpressive and annoying opposition. No tactical changes were made (despite Bernie’s innovative suggestion we go 4-3-4) but 5 minutes soul searching evidently had some effect, as we came back after the restart looking a more purposeful side. Colin came on at left back, with Chris moving over to the right in place of Bernie.
We were clearly hungrier for goals in the 2nd half, and after less than 10 minutes we got our just desserts. A ball towards their goal (corner? Can’t remember) rattled around the box, bounced off me at the far post and Dan pounced, slotting home from close range. 3-2, game on.
Ian came off for Micah as the Alliance took a more attacking formation. Medge was causing their defence all sorts of problems, dancing round players at will, but never quite getting the final ball – despite coming close with a long-range drive that just swerved outside the top corner. Hudson had taken command of the middle of the park and was winning everything. It was tempting to think we were the only team in it, but Shanty Town were still pressing for another – a heroic , diving finger tip save by Eddy kept us in the game.
Ketch had put a couple of useful mid-field free kicks into dangerous areas, and if memory serves it was from one of these that we finally pulled level. The ball dropped into their box and Paul (I think) laid it off towards Hudson, galloping in from the middle third. He struck it hard and low from about 20 yards and the keeper had no chance. Cue wild celebrations from the Alliance. 3 all, from being 3-1 down, and we looked the better team.
Tensions were rising: the Alliance could taste victory and Shanty Town were clearly bitterly frustrated to have lost the lead. We were in the ascendancy when Dan challenged for a high ball and clashed heads with one of their players. Unfortunately this resulted in a split eyebrow and John was not happy to let Dan continue without bandaging. Perhaps worth having some plasters in the first aid kit eh lads? After hunting for bandages for about 5 minutes the game restarted with Dan watching from the sidelines and – all our subs being used already – the Alliance down to 10 men.
This was real edge-of-the-seat stuff: 11 men versus 10, 3-3 and 10 minutes to go. Steve – who had come on in place of Simon – made some important tackles, but mis-timed one of them by about 5 minutes and found his name in the book. On another day John would probably have overlooked it, but Shanty were moaning and carping so much the atmosphere had become explosive.
And so it was almost inevitable that Paul – so madly keen to secure a vital win – should put in an ever-so-slightly questionable challenge on one of their players. Well, I say questionable; you could say it was questionable whether the lad on the receiving end knew what hit him. You could even say he didn’t have the ball at the time, and that the tackle was more like a karate kick than any recognisable footballing manoeuvre. I can’t be sure personally, my view was obscured by the red mist that had descended over the pitch. Referee John was a bit affected by the heady circumstances, and gave Paul a straight red card. I didn’t even think he carried a red card. Maybe he’s just recently bought it and wanted to show it off.
In any case, the outlook of the game had changed dramatically within 5 minutes, as we were now 9 men, missing 2 of our strongest players. Frankly I still thought we could win it but Bernie, Simon and Ian sagely advised from the sidelines that we should play the clock down and defend like our lives depended on it. From the mood Paul was in as he left the pitch, our lives probably did depend on it a bit.
Unbelievably John still says there’s 10 minutes left, so we get men behind the ball and try to keep our composure. But their 2 man advantage shows as we struggle to keep possession, with only Medge up front to hoof the ball to. Mercifully, John does us an almighty favour when their man is blatantly brought down on the edge of our box, and instead of awarding a penalty, he gives us a free kick for the Shanty Towner diving! Bless him.
Shanty Town’s frustration at not finding a way through was tangible, but we defended bravely and desperately and the closest they came was when their substituted right winger struck well wide, the ball flying past the ear of a passing cyclist. A few tense minutes later and John finally blew the full time whistle, to the relief of the Northern Alliance and frustration of Shanty Town.
To paraphrase Mr Kipling, we kept our heads while all around were losing theirs and, which is more my son, held on to an exceedingly good point. It ended 3-3, but after being 3-1 down and playing the last 10 minutes with 9 men, plus coming on the back of an 8-0 defeat, it felt like a famous victory.
Several contenders for M-O-M but I’m going to go for Hudson. Great battling second half performance, and excellent goal to pull the scores level. Hats off.
Pete
The pitch was small, narrow, slightly sloping and with one goal about 25 yards in front of a busy road. Oh, and we had to frig around putting the nets up. So far I’m unimpressed with the new home ground.
Paul rounded us up for the team talk and steered clear from any mice-and-men literary symbolism this week. “We can beat these. Our luck’s got to change some time” was the long and short of it. So we line up with Eddy between the sticks, a back four of Bernie, Dan, Ketch and Chris; myself (Pete), Hudson, Simon and Ian across the middle; and Captain Coyley paired with Medge up front.
Early on we had the wind in our sails (and behind Eddy’s goal kicks) and were giving the blue-clad Shanty Town a fair bit to think about. Their subs set the team stall out early (metaphorically: it wasn’t a bring-and-buy sale) by whingeing and moaning about every tackle, and every decision by referee John. Speaking of John, when he arrived for the match the first thing he asked was “is Hudson here?” and then later recommended we get a large pot of vaseline for the first aid kit. Draw your own conclusions.
Back on the pitch, our early pressure paid off after Medge was brought down in their box. In spite of Town’s hysterics, John awarded a penalty and Paul coolly converted. 1-0. This kick up the arse gave the opposition renewed focus and they began giving us all sorts of problems, not least cos of our hopeless inability to win anything in the air. “Free header” they all chorused at each other after every goal kick. Our lead was short lived – a decent attacking move left our defence a man short and their lanky forward lobbed neatly over Eddy’s outstretched glove. 1-1 and all the chat is coming from the blue half of the pitch.
The remaining 15 minutes of the half continued in a similar vein – we gave the ball away cheaply, failed to win it back, they harried and pushed forward, using Fatty Fudge on the wing to sling in Rory Delap-style long throws. The exact details escape me but they put the ball in our net twice more before John blew for half time. 3-1 to them. Ian tried to whip up enthusiasm by shouting “heads up Alliance” as we trudged off, but I couldn’t help noticing he was staring disconsolately at the ground as he said it. We were all pretty dejected, except Paul who was apoplectic with fury that we were – once again – staring at defeat by an unimpressive and annoying opposition. No tactical changes were made (despite Bernie’s innovative suggestion we go 4-3-4) but 5 minutes soul searching evidently had some effect, as we came back after the restart looking a more purposeful side. Colin came on at left back, with Chris moving over to the right in place of Bernie.
We were clearly hungrier for goals in the 2nd half, and after less than 10 minutes we got our just desserts. A ball towards their goal (corner? Can’t remember) rattled around the box, bounced off me at the far post and Dan pounced, slotting home from close range. 3-2, game on.
Ian came off for Micah as the Alliance took a more attacking formation. Medge was causing their defence all sorts of problems, dancing round players at will, but never quite getting the final ball – despite coming close with a long-range drive that just swerved outside the top corner. Hudson had taken command of the middle of the park and was winning everything. It was tempting to think we were the only team in it, but Shanty Town were still pressing for another – a heroic , diving finger tip save by Eddy kept us in the game.
Ketch had put a couple of useful mid-field free kicks into dangerous areas, and if memory serves it was from one of these that we finally pulled level. The ball dropped into their box and Paul (I think) laid it off towards Hudson, galloping in from the middle third. He struck it hard and low from about 20 yards and the keeper had no chance. Cue wild celebrations from the Alliance. 3 all, from being 3-1 down, and we looked the better team.
Tensions were rising: the Alliance could taste victory and Shanty Town were clearly bitterly frustrated to have lost the lead. We were in the ascendancy when Dan challenged for a high ball and clashed heads with one of their players. Unfortunately this resulted in a split eyebrow and John was not happy to let Dan continue without bandaging. Perhaps worth having some plasters in the first aid kit eh lads? After hunting for bandages for about 5 minutes the game restarted with Dan watching from the sidelines and – all our subs being used already – the Alliance down to 10 men.
This was real edge-of-the-seat stuff: 11 men versus 10, 3-3 and 10 minutes to go. Steve – who had come on in place of Simon – made some important tackles, but mis-timed one of them by about 5 minutes and found his name in the book. On another day John would probably have overlooked it, but Shanty were moaning and carping so much the atmosphere had become explosive.
And so it was almost inevitable that Paul – so madly keen to secure a vital win – should put in an ever-so-slightly questionable challenge on one of their players. Well, I say questionable; you could say it was questionable whether the lad on the receiving end knew what hit him. You could even say he didn’t have the ball at the time, and that the tackle was more like a karate kick than any recognisable footballing manoeuvre. I can’t be sure personally, my view was obscured by the red mist that had descended over the pitch. Referee John was a bit affected by the heady circumstances, and gave Paul a straight red card. I didn’t even think he carried a red card. Maybe he’s just recently bought it and wanted to show it off.
In any case, the outlook of the game had changed dramatically within 5 minutes, as we were now 9 men, missing 2 of our strongest players. Frankly I still thought we could win it but Bernie, Simon and Ian sagely advised from the sidelines that we should play the clock down and defend like our lives depended on it. From the mood Paul was in as he left the pitch, our lives probably did depend on it a bit.
Unbelievably John still says there’s 10 minutes left, so we get men behind the ball and try to keep our composure. But their 2 man advantage shows as we struggle to keep possession, with only Medge up front to hoof the ball to. Mercifully, John does us an almighty favour when their man is blatantly brought down on the edge of our box, and instead of awarding a penalty, he gives us a free kick for the Shanty Towner diving! Bless him.
Shanty Town’s frustration at not finding a way through was tangible, but we defended bravely and desperately and the closest they came was when their substituted right winger struck well wide, the ball flying past the ear of a passing cyclist. A few tense minutes later and John finally blew the full time whistle, to the relief of the Northern Alliance and frustration of Shanty Town.
To paraphrase Mr Kipling, we kept our heads while all around were losing theirs and, which is more my son, held on to an exceedingly good point. It ended 3-3, but after being 3-1 down and playing the last 10 minutes with 9 men, plus coming on the back of an 8-0 defeat, it felt like a famous victory.
Several contenders for M-O-M but I’m going to go for Hudson. Great battling second half performance, and excellent goal to pull the scores level. Hats off.
Pete
Friday, 7 November 2008
05 November 2008: Fowlers (a) in Thames League Big Cup
Profundity from every orafice with Uncle Gibbsy, enjoy:
Remember, remember the 5th of November?, no, no, please, I don’t want to, I want to block it out, I want to bury it deep down and let it shrivel up and die in some inky black, never ventured down cul -de- sac of my brain, a place where no one goes, ever. No, it wasn’t a good night.
It started ominously enough - as we warmed up on the court next to the pitch there were warning shots rocketing across our bows, bright flashing red lights, screams and sirens - how could we have ignored such blatant signs so casually? But we did, and like many things that occurred later in the evening, our inability to exercise our ‘vision’ facility must be something we should take extremely seriously.
So then we’re on the pitch, and we dick around as usual waiting for the get go, and out of the corner of my eye I see them. Smugly organised in their freshly squeezed hi-viz yellow, they’re gently yet sycophantically applauding each player as they name their squad, jolly good show Nigel..clap, clap, clap, hmmm.
Coyley pull us up for our chat and whos playing where and its feeling good, we’ve a strong squad and everyone looks up for it. But then theres the uncharacteristic use of deep metaphors from our warrior Captain Coyle - the ‘mice and men’ team talk. Well now, based on the ‘vision’ theory outlined earlier, flashing red lights etc, more warning signs are now flashing. Heres the gist of it, ‘Of Mice and Men’ was a John Steinbeck novel about two ill fated migrant field workers in California during the Great Depression, George Milton, the smart one, and Lennie Small, an ironically named man of large stature and immense strength but limited mental abilities. They venture out West to stake out some farmland and live out their dream. The dream crashes when Lennie (massive but not very clever) accidentally kills the young and attractive wife of a ranch owner's son, while trying to stroke her hair, much to hard, like he did already with his pet mouse (aha, theres the ‘mice’ ref). So then a lynch mob gathers and George (the clever small one), realizing he is doomed to a life of loneliness and despair like the rest of the migrant workers decides to be a man and spare Lennie a painful death at the hands of the vengeful and violent ranchers, so he shoots Lennie in the back of the head before the mob can find him. So, if you’ve bothered to read to the end of this bit, the moral of the Mice and Men tale is that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, as did ours, but also if you stroke things to hard they squish up in yer fist, and finally that a bullet in the back of the head would probably have been preferable to 8 nil. So how prophetic was our Cap, scary huh? We should have seen it coming.
I wont go into too much detail about the football because I was, like the rest of us in a Zulu like encounter where we were overrun, out numbered and out stripped, damn those Lemony shirted devils they were everywhere, and although I could see nothing but brave lads being done all around, and there was a total commitment from everybody, nobody went down without putting up a fight, the Dunkirk spirit ruled to the end. I don’t know why it didn’t work, nobody played badly, its a mystery, there were heroics, moments of genius and brute strength from the Alliance, but we were ruthlessly dissected by the opposition. They were tight, strategic and smug about it. They also had a strange shadowy figure on the touchline, perhaps the devil himself, some black magician, plotting our downfall , like Guido Fawkes himself, maybe he was the difference, maybe one of our subs should’ve twatted him early on.
Anyway it’s hard in such painful circumstances to select a man of the match, but my heart goes out to Paul, who despite his early ill fated metaphors, fought on to the end like a true Captain, with his head up, and because I have faith that the next time he leads us into battle with these fucks he will become their nemesis, I will write his ‘yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no man’ speech, I will follow him and we will remember the 5th of November, and we will blow them away. Next up for a shout is Eddie who saved us many times from the evil spectre of double figures, excellent work mate.
For what its worth, next time maybe we should play for 0-0, everyone intensively defensive, we wait till they mess up then pick em off, easy.
Gibbsy signing off.
Remember, remember the 5th of November?, no, no, please, I don’t want to, I want to block it out, I want to bury it deep down and let it shrivel up and die in some inky black, never ventured down cul -de- sac of my brain, a place where no one goes, ever. No, it wasn’t a good night.
It started ominously enough - as we warmed up on the court next to the pitch there were warning shots rocketing across our bows, bright flashing red lights, screams and sirens - how could we have ignored such blatant signs so casually? But we did, and like many things that occurred later in the evening, our inability to exercise our ‘vision’ facility must be something we should take extremely seriously.
So then we’re on the pitch, and we dick around as usual waiting for the get go, and out of the corner of my eye I see them. Smugly organised in their freshly squeezed hi-viz yellow, they’re gently yet sycophantically applauding each player as they name their squad, jolly good show Nigel..clap, clap, clap, hmmm.
Coyley pull us up for our chat and whos playing where and its feeling good, we’ve a strong squad and everyone looks up for it. But then theres the uncharacteristic use of deep metaphors from our warrior Captain Coyle - the ‘mice and men’ team talk. Well now, based on the ‘vision’ theory outlined earlier, flashing red lights etc, more warning signs are now flashing. Heres the gist of it, ‘Of Mice and Men’ was a John Steinbeck novel about two ill fated migrant field workers in California during the Great Depression, George Milton, the smart one, and Lennie Small, an ironically named man of large stature and immense strength but limited mental abilities. They venture out West to stake out some farmland and live out their dream. The dream crashes when Lennie (massive but not very clever) accidentally kills the young and attractive wife of a ranch owner's son, while trying to stroke her hair, much to hard, like he did already with his pet mouse (aha, theres the ‘mice’ ref). So then a lynch mob gathers and George (the clever small one), realizing he is doomed to a life of loneliness and despair like the rest of the migrant workers decides to be a man and spare Lennie a painful death at the hands of the vengeful and violent ranchers, so he shoots Lennie in the back of the head before the mob can find him. So, if you’ve bothered to read to the end of this bit, the moral of the Mice and Men tale is that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, as did ours, but also if you stroke things to hard they squish up in yer fist, and finally that a bullet in the back of the head would probably have been preferable to 8 nil. So how prophetic was our Cap, scary huh? We should have seen it coming.
I wont go into too much detail about the football because I was, like the rest of us in a Zulu like encounter where we were overrun, out numbered and out stripped, damn those Lemony shirted devils they were everywhere, and although I could see nothing but brave lads being done all around, and there was a total commitment from everybody, nobody went down without putting up a fight, the Dunkirk spirit ruled to the end. I don’t know why it didn’t work, nobody played badly, its a mystery, there were heroics, moments of genius and brute strength from the Alliance, but we were ruthlessly dissected by the opposition. They were tight, strategic and smug about it. They also had a strange shadowy figure on the touchline, perhaps the devil himself, some black magician, plotting our downfall , like Guido Fawkes himself, maybe he was the difference, maybe one of our subs should’ve twatted him early on.
Anyway it’s hard in such painful circumstances to select a man of the match, but my heart goes out to Paul, who despite his early ill fated metaphors, fought on to the end like a true Captain, with his head up, and because I have faith that the next time he leads us into battle with these fucks he will become their nemesis, I will write his ‘yea though I walk through the valley of death I will fear no man’ speech, I will follow him and we will remember the 5th of November, and we will blow them away. Next up for a shout is Eddie who saved us many times from the evil spectre of double figures, excellent work mate.
For what its worth, next time maybe we should play for 0-0, everyone intensively defensive, we wait till they mess up then pick em off, easy.
Gibbsy signing off.
Monday, 27 October 2008
Sunday October 26, The Jokers (a)
Courtesy of Micah Watkins and his new wipsy beard...
So, is this a long blog yes it is, but thats because it was a Bloody hard slog of a game. Well I arrived with Ketch nice and early 14.30pm parked up and wondered what this cold wet afternoon had in store for the lads this day. The opposition were also keen to play, they were also pretty early standing around living up to their names telling each other Jokes and generally joking around waiting for the Alliance to arrive.
As the Alliance lads arrived, I knew as I wasnt playing today, my job would be to take care of the smaller Alliance future i.e. Master Henry who was fast asleep and totally out cold. Looked like a good place to be, wrapped up in dad's coat and a blanky. Coyley walked across the pitch with a small grin on his face, oh crap I knew this would happen, the ref was late and they needed a stand in, and so be it. I walked on the pitch, black coat, baseball cap, ready to take control of this match. Keepers ready, Contenders ready, 321 I blew the whistle.
Paul taking early command of the team, the ball started bouncing back and forth and finally ended up at Ketch's feet his first touch for months but before he could do anything one of the Jokers took his feet out from under him. Do I blow for a foul or do I play the advantage, let us have the advantage, forgive me Ketch. The ball bounced towards Gibsy who knocked the ball over the top, play the advantage I said to myself. Medge took hold of the ball and took off, followed by Ian and the Alliance massive surely Medge could convert this, go on son give it a dig was the call from me, oh ahhh yes I am supposed to be impartial at the moment sorry but the advantage played was to no avail straight at the keepers chest, never mind son next time.
We then stopped for a minute, at last the ref was here, 35mintues late,Ohhh Heeellooo, its a woman. Fair enough, I handed over control to her, all the while thinking to myself you forgot to set your clock didnt you, and what did you go shopping for, anyway my male chauvinist side came out but the game continued. The Jokers came back at us, pushing hard towards our defence moving towards Dan and Colin who measured up to them, tracked them and defended well. Colin always going in hard and making his challenges first time well done. We pushed forward again after a big goal kick by Bernie after a few attempted headers the ball landed with Ian who switched it from right over to Medge on the left who danced around one then two then on his left foot you beauty it's in.1 0 Alliance.
The Jokers took the retake, Dan working hard at the back, backed up by Ketch and Colin, Dai clearing his lines and making great challenges. Jonesy running hard and pushing the ball forward as much as possible trying to find Medge and to create chances, the ball bounced back in our favour we pushed forward Paul screaming orders, Dan and Ketch commanding the rear then the ball from my vantage point seemed to bobble back off a Joker after some one had a shot not sure who and then some how bounced of another joker and Oh my God its in, Yey 2 - 0 Alliance own goal by the Jokers.
When half time came we were looking goooood! (At this point the editor steps in to make everyone aware of a strange 20 minute period in the first half which clearly affected Micah as much as the players. Things werent looking good at half time, we were 5-2 down after being 2-0 up. See below but imagine some of it happened in the first half).
Paul giving his normal up lifting team talk it looked like we had this in the bag. 2nd Half The Jokers, proper angry and cheesed off kicked off. Paul bossing it in the middle got hold of the ball knocked a ball over the top chased by Dan backed up by Ian here we go again, then some how the ball found its way to Jokers who pushed back at us and some how crap they scored, it was weak never mind start again lads we all said start again. We kicked off, the ball bouncing around Ketch in his first game back clearing his lines hard and well, Collin tracking his player constantly and getting struck in Chris clearing the ball out the ball landing at Iain's feet. Iain turns and swings a great shot just over the bar a decent effort. We played hard and kept battling hard, then they get a corner, it was then that I felt a great disturbance in the force , the ball played in curling to the far post and then it happened they scored , The Shit Bastards scored 2 1 well never mind lads lets go again then a few minutes later 2 2, OK lads dont worry, keep it cool Paul said calm it down lets get some composure on the ball, then again they came back at us we tracked them back making tackles where needed, marking their players but then an a opening on the right hand side gave them an advantage they broke through and holly hell 3 -2 to the Jokers, not sure what was going on but they clearly found a weakness in the Alliance's armour.
We continued to battle hard and to be honest there really wasnt much in it with Medge getting another goal with a great strike after muscling his way forward. Jonesy again creating chances up front and then Iain also sending another one in, good man Iain great vision. But then before we knew it the shit, I mean the Jokers, had become invigorated Hey whats going on we are playing so well and before I could scream loud enough to wake Henry up it was 4 - 2 Oh my little Padawan dont wake sleep.. It was then that it got a little scrappy as we were fighting hard the Jokers didnt like the fact that we could fight as hard as them and take it and give it back to them, at one point I clearly remember Dan holding his temper and not ripping one of the Jokers' heads off. Paul, also flexing his muscles but showing them who was boss, and me giving them a piece of my mind from the side line.
Then the score line started to change rapidly, the Alliance, no matter (how they stop us, no matter - insert from the ed) what we did couldnt stop the dark force of evil breaking through again they scored 5 - 2 (see half time comment) then 6 - 4 oh hell its 7 - 4 but the Alliance did not sit back, not from where I was standing, I really dont know how they managed to take the victory from us, you may have your opinions but to me it seemed just damned unlucky on our side. We basically got taken up the arse by this lot and not sure why this happened as to be honest the Alliance did not relent or give up it was just one of those games where the Gods decided to screw us. Ketch you played well in your first game back. Well done Sir, not too rusty at all.Bernie again hats of to you for going in between the sticks (Ed - Sorry Micah but I made a dog's cock of between the sticks. Closing my eyes and hoping for the best isnt what we needed).Captain Paul as ever you played hard and dedicated.Gibbsy, Dan, Colin some excellent challenges in defence, Jonesy, Iain, Medge great performances lads.
We will have our day, lets be positive, our day is coming and we will be victorious, I have to say that after careful deliberation with Henry, we decided that the man of the match goes to Colin who challenged better than I have ever seen him, and marked his man constantly a great effort well done Colin. If I have forgotten anything forgive me but such a high scoring game there was a lot going on but well done lads keep your chins up.
So, is this a long blog yes it is, but thats because it was a Bloody hard slog of a game. Well I arrived with Ketch nice and early 14.30pm parked up and wondered what this cold wet afternoon had in store for the lads this day. The opposition were also keen to play, they were also pretty early standing around living up to their names telling each other Jokes and generally joking around waiting for the Alliance to arrive.
As the Alliance lads arrived, I knew as I wasnt playing today, my job would be to take care of the smaller Alliance future i.e. Master Henry who was fast asleep and totally out cold. Looked like a good place to be, wrapped up in dad's coat and a blanky. Coyley walked across the pitch with a small grin on his face, oh crap I knew this would happen, the ref was late and they needed a stand in, and so be it. I walked on the pitch, black coat, baseball cap, ready to take control of this match. Keepers ready, Contenders ready, 321 I blew the whistle.
Paul taking early command of the team, the ball started bouncing back and forth and finally ended up at Ketch's feet his first touch for months but before he could do anything one of the Jokers took his feet out from under him. Do I blow for a foul or do I play the advantage, let us have the advantage, forgive me Ketch. The ball bounced towards Gibsy who knocked the ball over the top, play the advantage I said to myself. Medge took hold of the ball and took off, followed by Ian and the Alliance massive surely Medge could convert this, go on son give it a dig was the call from me, oh ahhh yes I am supposed to be impartial at the moment sorry but the advantage played was to no avail straight at the keepers chest, never mind son next time.
We then stopped for a minute, at last the ref was here, 35mintues late,Ohhh Heeellooo, its a woman. Fair enough, I handed over control to her, all the while thinking to myself you forgot to set your clock didnt you, and what did you go shopping for, anyway my male chauvinist side came out but the game continued. The Jokers came back at us, pushing hard towards our defence moving towards Dan and Colin who measured up to them, tracked them and defended well. Colin always going in hard and making his challenges first time well done. We pushed forward again after a big goal kick by Bernie after a few attempted headers the ball landed with Ian who switched it from right over to Medge on the left who danced around one then two then on his left foot you beauty it's in.1 0 Alliance.
The Jokers took the retake, Dan working hard at the back, backed up by Ketch and Colin, Dai clearing his lines and making great challenges. Jonesy running hard and pushing the ball forward as much as possible trying to find Medge and to create chances, the ball bounced back in our favour we pushed forward Paul screaming orders, Dan and Ketch commanding the rear then the ball from my vantage point seemed to bobble back off a Joker after some one had a shot not sure who and then some how bounced of another joker and Oh my God its in, Yey 2 - 0 Alliance own goal by the Jokers.
When half time came we were looking goooood! (At this point the editor steps in to make everyone aware of a strange 20 minute period in the first half which clearly affected Micah as much as the players. Things werent looking good at half time, we were 5-2 down after being 2-0 up. See below but imagine some of it happened in the first half).
Paul giving his normal up lifting team talk it looked like we had this in the bag. 2nd Half The Jokers, proper angry and cheesed off kicked off. Paul bossing it in the middle got hold of the ball knocked a ball over the top chased by Dan backed up by Ian here we go again, then some how the ball found its way to Jokers who pushed back at us and some how crap they scored, it was weak never mind start again lads we all said start again. We kicked off, the ball bouncing around Ketch in his first game back clearing his lines hard and well, Collin tracking his player constantly and getting struck in Chris clearing the ball out the ball landing at Iain's feet. Iain turns and swings a great shot just over the bar a decent effort. We played hard and kept battling hard, then they get a corner, it was then that I felt a great disturbance in the force , the ball played in curling to the far post and then it happened they scored , The Shit Bastards scored 2 1 well never mind lads lets go again then a few minutes later 2 2, OK lads dont worry, keep it cool Paul said calm it down lets get some composure on the ball, then again they came back at us we tracked them back making tackles where needed, marking their players but then an a opening on the right hand side gave them an advantage they broke through and holly hell 3 -2 to the Jokers, not sure what was going on but they clearly found a weakness in the Alliance's armour.
We continued to battle hard and to be honest there really wasnt much in it with Medge getting another goal with a great strike after muscling his way forward. Jonesy again creating chances up front and then Iain also sending another one in, good man Iain great vision. But then before we knew it the shit, I mean the Jokers, had become invigorated Hey whats going on we are playing so well and before I could scream loud enough to wake Henry up it was 4 - 2 Oh my little Padawan dont wake sleep.. It was then that it got a little scrappy as we were fighting hard the Jokers didnt like the fact that we could fight as hard as them and take it and give it back to them, at one point I clearly remember Dan holding his temper and not ripping one of the Jokers' heads off. Paul, also flexing his muscles but showing them who was boss, and me giving them a piece of my mind from the side line.
Then the score line started to change rapidly, the Alliance, no matter (how they stop us, no matter - insert from the ed) what we did couldnt stop the dark force of evil breaking through again they scored 5 - 2 (see half time comment) then 6 - 4 oh hell its 7 - 4 but the Alliance did not sit back, not from where I was standing, I really dont know how they managed to take the victory from us, you may have your opinions but to me it seemed just damned unlucky on our side. We basically got taken up the arse by this lot and not sure why this happened as to be honest the Alliance did not relent or give up it was just one of those games where the Gods decided to screw us. Ketch you played well in your first game back. Well done Sir, not too rusty at all.Bernie again hats of to you for going in between the sticks (Ed - Sorry Micah but I made a dog's cock of between the sticks. Closing my eyes and hoping for the best isnt what we needed).Captain Paul as ever you played hard and dedicated.Gibbsy, Dan, Colin some excellent challenges in defence, Jonesy, Iain, Medge great performances lads.
We will have our day, lets be positive, our day is coming and we will be victorious, I have to say that after careful deliberation with Henry, we decided that the man of the match goes to Colin who challenged better than I have ever seen him, and marked his man constantly a great effort well done Colin. If I have forgotten anything forgive me but such a high scoring game there was a lot going on but well done lads keep your chins up.
Monday, 20 October 2008
Sunday 19 October: Perfidious Albion (a): Market Road
Opening up the season with a narrow defeat against Green Park Rangers was certainly not the start to the season that our ever enthuisiastic Captain had forseseen. Fortunately, being a Geordie, he’s well used to his pre-season visions not coming to pass. He had used words like “unlucky” and “nearly” in his analysis of last week’s game (and some others that required an interpreter) but he was clearly unsettled by a disappointing start to the season.
So the Captain wore a worried look when he called me one side to: “Take a look at this.” Slightly concerned and panic stricken, I was all ready to reassure him that it wasn’t that bad and nothing a course of antibiotics couldn’t handle when he – much to my relief – pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from an orange sock. On it was a list of his brave little soldiers and a battle plan for victory. He talked for a bit, I listened, nodding occasionally, before agreeing upon a formation I barely understood.
So we lined up with Eddie between the sticks, Steve, Dai, Chris and Bernie across the back, an unfathomable midfield matrix of Paul, Dan, Simon, Jonny and Micah, and Hudson – sporting new boots fitted with a pioneering Malice Regulation Device – doing the Alliance’s bit to promote global terror up front. On the bench, Gibbsy, Colin, and Jeff waited for the call whilst exchanging pleasantries with Henry.
Off we go then with the possibility of mood lighting later in the game courtesy of the newly installed Market Road wind turbine (not the only thing powered by wind). As usual, we were quickly into our silky stride, knocking the ball around with clueless ease. Simon, Dan and Paul were starting to win the midfield battle, the back four set up their own version of Offa’s Dyke in front of Eddie and Matty was busy playing nice guy up front as the FA-sponsored valium held firm.
But it was on the flanks that the action really started, sparked into life by the latest instalment of the Alliance sponsored foul-throw-a-thon (nearly £8 now raised for ‘Knees for Nick’). Taking their lead from the do-gooding, Jonny and Micah started marauding in the wide open spaces and linking up nicely with Paul, Matt and Simon. Several half-chances came and went as a few crosses narrowly missed their target and a few shots missed the target. Meantime at the back, Chris was just offering round brandy and cigars when Perfidious broke.
I say broke, I mean hoofed it over the top. Still struggling with the cigar cutter, Dai made a dog’s breakfast of a simple ball over the top but breathed a sigh of releif when his pace came to the rescue once again. Corner to Perfidious. Bit of pushing and shoving in the penalty area (not helped by Bernie cracking open a pack of mini-cheddars) was quickly forgotten when the ball looped over us all only for Eddie to leap like an imposing Colombian goalkeeper and tip over the bar. Still 0-0 and a wake up call for the Alliance.
With half-time appraoching we were quickly back on the attack, again down the flanks where Jonny continued to maraude and Micah worked tirelessly holding the ball up and linking play nicely. It was from one of the flanks that the ball was worked into the middle where Dan had made a rare foray upfield, setting off my ‘shit I feel all exposed’ panic alarm in the process. But once there, he picked the ball up on the edge of the D, shaped to hit it with his left foot, thought better of it, shaped to hit it with his right foot, couldn’t, and so reluctantly went back to his left. After 3 whole minutes, he eventually let fly with his left foot and we were 1-0 up. Cue customary Dan hard man goal celebration.
Half-time. (Ice-cream and refreshments on sale in the foyer)
At half-time we congratulated ourselves on a job well-done and talked about continuing the work rate and spreading the ball wider where Jonny and Micah were excelling (or maybe that was just what I said). With Paul, Simon and Dan ruling midfield, and Dai and Chris doing a steady job with Steve and Bernie at the back, we were looking good.
You will excuse the short write up of the second half but I only played 10 minutes of it and frankly lost interest as soon as Henry revealed that not only did he have a Bob the Builder figure, but a tractor too. From what I remember, they shifted it round a bit and dropped one of their strikers back into midfield and brought on a blunderbus of a striker up front. No matter, Chris and Dan were having him for breakfast.
Still we looked like the better team, with Jonny, Matty and Micah starting to link up well up front. Again chances came and went, one in particular where Jonny was a fag-paper away from converting a cross from Matty or Micah or someone else beginning with M. By this time Gibbsy, Jeff and Colin were all on all as Bernie, Steve and Dai took their leave.
Still very much on top, we needed another goal to give us reward for our superiority. Eventually it came when Jonny latched on to a smart through ball and slid the ball under the onrushing keeper. 2-0 and the Chairman’s starting to calculate win bonuses.
But with the promise of a £5 book token in the offing, the Alliance fell apart. Sinking too deep and giving the ball away needlessly, Perfidious started to think that there was something in this game for them. Eddie made a couple of smart saves but cracks were starting to show. Shortly afterwards one crack in particular became a cavernous split. First a cross that we failed to cut was netted at the near post (could have been a bicycle kick from 40 yards for all I can remember) and then with just seconds remaining, a floaty, loopy, flicky, gay shot from the edge of the area left Eddie with no chance. 2-2. Can you fucking believe it?
Plenty of positives: Matty’s new anti-malice device, Dan as the shield in front of the back four, Jonny bringing a sense of adventure to the right hand side, Simon and Paul quietly effective in the middle and mini-cheddars at corners.
Negatives: Drawing with a team that even Newcastle might beat. (“Which one of you is Perfidious? You’re a c**t.”) Oh, and the fact that Coyley’s volley from the edge of the box (speed-gunned at 150mph) just flew over the bar.
MOM: Micah. A grand job on the left hand-side, making good use of the ball, linking play well, battling for everything and demonstrating that you too can throw the ball a fucking long way if you take creatin powder and eat 6 whole chickens a day.
Bernie's PS: I actually cleared one off the line in the first half plus here's Uncle Gibbsy on the tele: http://www.pringles.co.uk/football/extras.aspx (scroll down to the second video)
So the Captain wore a worried look when he called me one side to: “Take a look at this.” Slightly concerned and panic stricken, I was all ready to reassure him that it wasn’t that bad and nothing a course of antibiotics couldn’t handle when he – much to my relief – pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from an orange sock. On it was a list of his brave little soldiers and a battle plan for victory. He talked for a bit, I listened, nodding occasionally, before agreeing upon a formation I barely understood.
So we lined up with Eddie between the sticks, Steve, Dai, Chris and Bernie across the back, an unfathomable midfield matrix of Paul, Dan, Simon, Jonny and Micah, and Hudson – sporting new boots fitted with a pioneering Malice Regulation Device – doing the Alliance’s bit to promote global terror up front. On the bench, Gibbsy, Colin, and Jeff waited for the call whilst exchanging pleasantries with Henry.
Off we go then with the possibility of mood lighting later in the game courtesy of the newly installed Market Road wind turbine (not the only thing powered by wind). As usual, we were quickly into our silky stride, knocking the ball around with clueless ease. Simon, Dan and Paul were starting to win the midfield battle, the back four set up their own version of Offa’s Dyke in front of Eddie and Matty was busy playing nice guy up front as the FA-sponsored valium held firm.
But it was on the flanks that the action really started, sparked into life by the latest instalment of the Alliance sponsored foul-throw-a-thon (nearly £8 now raised for ‘Knees for Nick’). Taking their lead from the do-gooding, Jonny and Micah started marauding in the wide open spaces and linking up nicely with Paul, Matt and Simon. Several half-chances came and went as a few crosses narrowly missed their target and a few shots missed the target. Meantime at the back, Chris was just offering round brandy and cigars when Perfidious broke.
I say broke, I mean hoofed it over the top. Still struggling with the cigar cutter, Dai made a dog’s breakfast of a simple ball over the top but breathed a sigh of releif when his pace came to the rescue once again. Corner to Perfidious. Bit of pushing and shoving in the penalty area (not helped by Bernie cracking open a pack of mini-cheddars) was quickly forgotten when the ball looped over us all only for Eddie to leap like an imposing Colombian goalkeeper and tip over the bar. Still 0-0 and a wake up call for the Alliance.
With half-time appraoching we were quickly back on the attack, again down the flanks where Jonny continued to maraude and Micah worked tirelessly holding the ball up and linking play nicely. It was from one of the flanks that the ball was worked into the middle where Dan had made a rare foray upfield, setting off my ‘shit I feel all exposed’ panic alarm in the process. But once there, he picked the ball up on the edge of the D, shaped to hit it with his left foot, thought better of it, shaped to hit it with his right foot, couldn’t, and so reluctantly went back to his left. After 3 whole minutes, he eventually let fly with his left foot and we were 1-0 up. Cue customary Dan hard man goal celebration.
Half-time. (Ice-cream and refreshments on sale in the foyer)
At half-time we congratulated ourselves on a job well-done and talked about continuing the work rate and spreading the ball wider where Jonny and Micah were excelling (or maybe that was just what I said). With Paul, Simon and Dan ruling midfield, and Dai and Chris doing a steady job with Steve and Bernie at the back, we were looking good.
You will excuse the short write up of the second half but I only played 10 minutes of it and frankly lost interest as soon as Henry revealed that not only did he have a Bob the Builder figure, but a tractor too. From what I remember, they shifted it round a bit and dropped one of their strikers back into midfield and brought on a blunderbus of a striker up front. No matter, Chris and Dan were having him for breakfast.
Still we looked like the better team, with Jonny, Matty and Micah starting to link up well up front. Again chances came and went, one in particular where Jonny was a fag-paper away from converting a cross from Matty or Micah or someone else beginning with M. By this time Gibbsy, Jeff and Colin were all on all as Bernie, Steve and Dai took their leave.
Still very much on top, we needed another goal to give us reward for our superiority. Eventually it came when Jonny latched on to a smart through ball and slid the ball under the onrushing keeper. 2-0 and the Chairman’s starting to calculate win bonuses.
But with the promise of a £5 book token in the offing, the Alliance fell apart. Sinking too deep and giving the ball away needlessly, Perfidious started to think that there was something in this game for them. Eddie made a couple of smart saves but cracks were starting to show. Shortly afterwards one crack in particular became a cavernous split. First a cross that we failed to cut was netted at the near post (could have been a bicycle kick from 40 yards for all I can remember) and then with just seconds remaining, a floaty, loopy, flicky, gay shot from the edge of the area left Eddie with no chance. 2-2. Can you fucking believe it?
Plenty of positives: Matty’s new anti-malice device, Dan as the shield in front of the back four, Jonny bringing a sense of adventure to the right hand side, Simon and Paul quietly effective in the middle and mini-cheddars at corners.
Negatives: Drawing with a team that even Newcastle might beat. (“Which one of you is Perfidious? You’re a c**t.”) Oh, and the fact that Coyley’s volley from the edge of the box (speed-gunned at 150mph) just flew over the bar.
MOM: Micah. A grand job on the left hand-side, making good use of the ball, linking play well, battling for everything and demonstrating that you too can throw the ball a fucking long way if you take creatin powder and eat 6 whole chickens a day.
Bernie's PS: I actually cleared one off the line in the first half plus here's Uncle Gibbsy on the tele: http://www.pringles.co.uk/football/extras.aspx (scroll down to the second video)
Monday, 13 October 2008
20089 FIXTURES/RESULTS
Green Park Rangers Battersea League AWAY 12/10/2008: 2-3 (Medge, Ballsy)
Perfidious Albion Market Road League AWAY 19/10/2008: 2-2 (Dan, Johnny
Jokers Market Road League AWAY 26/10/2008: 7-4 (Paul, Medge 2, Own Goal)
Fowlers Mile End Cup AWAY 05/11/2008 (8.30pm KO): 0-8 (massive neg)
Shanty Town Clapham League HOME 15/11/2008 (1.30pm KO) 3-3 (Paul, Dan, Hudson)
Golden Boots Market Road League AWAY 23/11/2008 2-3
Strollers Market Road League AWAY 30/11/2008 2-2 (Dan 2)
Cambazola Market Road Cup AWAY (10/01/2009) 0-5
FC National Putney League AWAY 24/01/2009
Cambazola Clapham Cup HOME 01/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Jokers Market Road League AWAY 08/02/2009
Strollers Clapham League HOME 15/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Fowlers Clapham Cup HOME 21/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Shanty Town Market Road League AWAY 28/02/2009
Jokers Clapham Cup HOME 07/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Golden Boots Clapham League HOME 14/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
FC National Clapham League HOME 21/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Perfidious Albion Clapham LeagueHOME 29/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Green Park Rangers (Location TBC) League HOME 25/04/2008
Jokers (Location TBC) League HOME 10/05/2008
Perfidious Albion Market Road League AWAY 19/10/2008: 2-2 (Dan, Johnny
Jokers Market Road League AWAY 26/10/2008: 7-4 (Paul, Medge 2, Own Goal)
Fowlers Mile End Cup AWAY 05/11/2008 (8.30pm KO): 0-8 (massive neg)
Shanty Town Clapham League HOME 15/11/2008 (1.30pm KO) 3-3 (Paul, Dan, Hudson)
Golden Boots Market Road League AWAY 23/11/2008 2-3
Strollers Market Road League AWAY 30/11/2008 2-2 (Dan 2)
Cambazola Market Road Cup AWAY (10/01/2009) 0-5
FC National Putney League AWAY 24/01/2009
Cambazola Clapham Cup HOME 01/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Jokers Market Road League AWAY 08/02/2009
Strollers Clapham League HOME 15/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Fowlers Clapham Cup HOME 21/02/2009 (1.30pm KO)
Shanty Town Market Road League AWAY 28/02/2009
Jokers Clapham Cup HOME 07/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Golden Boots Clapham League HOME 14/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
FC National Clapham League HOME 21/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Perfidious Albion Clapham LeagueHOME 29/03/2008 (1.30pm KO)
Green Park Rangers (Location TBC) League HOME 25/04/2008
Jokers (Location TBC) League HOME 10/05/2008
Sunday 12 October: vs GPR (A) at Battsersea Park
Howay lads, we’re not a bunch of 9yr olds.
Coyley’s latest nonsensical motivational shoutings (see title) still rings through my ears as I write the blog in the absence of the Bard Bernie, apologies for any poor description of the game but, as I’ve told many women the day after when I forget their name, “I had a car accident a few years ago and I now consequently have a very poor short term memory”.
Week started badly as the team sheet rolled in to Captain Coyley with something like 11 forward minded players and 2 defenders on the list. The missing of Dan, Dai, Chris and Bernie due to family commitments earns them the right to buy the first round next Sunday. Other losses included Gibbsy and Geoff who I can only assume are dead and so are exempt from pint buying.
So we turn up on an un-seasonally warm day at Battersea park to face GRP high on the confidence building friendly win and looking to finish this lower league shower off before half time then switch off and catch up the ‘man tan’ in the second. The Captain took his deserved vice captain for the day (me) aside for a chat about the team in which he showed me the team on the back of a bus timetable, I recommended changes, he disregarded them, we were set. Very makeshift team read as follows: Eddie (welcome return in goal), John F and Crouch (centre backs) Johnny (RB) Colin (LB) Hudson & Coyley (CM) Ballsy (AMF) Iain (RAMF) Micah (LAMF) Mej (CF) Subs: Pete, Steve. (Ed. Fucking hell the positioning is like Championship Manager 2003)
The game started well from the centre backs view, very scrappy but holding our own. No real chances early doors but some worrying signs as balls got sent over the top and our terrifyingly rapid centre back pairing were caught out of position and out of line a couple of times. Sadly this tactic paid off after 15 mins or so with a ball over the top and myself and a GPR attacker chasing back, the tactical football magazines I read as a child told me I should have taken ball and player out of the game but I opted for the frankly surprising choice of neither. Unfortunately Eddie had strayed off his line and my crap tackle led to a jammy shot creeping into the corner 1-0 GPR.
Some good work coming from Ballsy Micah on the left and Johnny and Iain on the right was settling us down, if we could get a few in the mixer it looked like it might be turning, sadly they raped the wind out of our sails with a well worked goal involving some kind of camp precise backheel and a lucky crisply hit curling 18 yard strike into the top corner, no one at fault for this one, perhaps we could have closed them down quicker. 2-0
I started getting annoyed at being a shit centre back at this point and thought I’d take it upon myself to be a shit forward for a bit. I’m not 100% sure but it must have been a corner or I wouldn’t have been in their box but a ball into the middle led to a GPR defender hastily clearing the ball into my testicles from point blank range on the 6 yard box and with superb ball control (see what I did there) it landed at my feet. As the dark clouds of unconsciousness began to take hold I managed to turn and lay it off to Ballsy on the edge of the area middle of the goal, one touch to set himself then a deft curled effort into the top corner. Good stuff 2-1.
Half Time.
Second half began with Steve coming on at right back for Micah, Johnny goes Right Wing and Iain over to the left. Ramshackle defending lets them back in a number of times and Eddy works wonders to keep them at bay until finally he can only palm one upward and the bounce defeats John F (not his fault) to allow their forward to nod home from 1 yard 3-1.
We then start to build with Johnny working hard on the right and Mej getting very close to being put through by Iain, Ballsy and Coyley but all either cut out or too long, just. Several corners came our way with sound deliveries from Iain leading to some great chances for Steve and others I can’t remember. Finally the pressure told with a really good goal. Corner for GPR, sterling defending from Pete (on for Colin at LB) to start a move down the right. Sorry if I miss anyone here but I know Johnny ran a long way with the ball, exchanged passes with someone (sorry) and put Coyley in on the angle. Coyley played a deliberate and precise scuffed shot into the area and Mej volleyed home. 3-2.
At this point our gander was up and with Micah scaring the living piss out of everyone on the sidelines with manic berating (good work Micah) and Coyley referring to us a 9 year olds (again) we wanted it more than them. More corners came in, more chances. Then the moment we were all waiting for Ballsy takes a short corner to Mej, Mej sends in a near perfect cross and Johnny can’t quite grow enough to get over the header and guided it wide (which to be fair was all he could have done, bloody short people)
We (me) then switched off a bit and a few chances fell to GPR which they should have taken but for the quality of Eddy in the sticks, before we knew it the whistle had gone 3-2 GPR.
Positives: Understrength and unknown team played some decent stuff at times and effort was good. Made chances from set pieces and defended high balls relatively well. Coyley got a new catchphrase.
Negatives: Lost.
Overall some good games out there, stand-out performance outfield from Johnny with good running and skills down the right just not able to get the crosses over due to solid defending, but it’ll come. Micah almost won MOM from the sidelines with his shouting 12th man performance also for taking the kit again (someone else next time please lads). But MOM has to go to Eddy for some top saves and good presence in the box, could have been out of it early in the second without the big man, well played sir.
I apologise for my centre back performance, I think the shot to the love spuds was some divine justice for allowing them through so many times. Also had my t shirt nicked/taken by accident so if anyone finds a dark blue T-Shirt with ‘Cougars’ written on it, it’s mine you thieving git! (only joking, I’ll have it back next game please). Also I had to look after a woman this week (not you Iain) so will be back on the social secretary scene next week where we can get a few more of us down the pub post match.
Big shout to Hudson who played well but has not received a mention at all in the blog because he a) kept his temper and b) didn’t injury himself. Well done resident evil, we salute you (and well done whoever spiked him with depressants before the game).
Special mention to Sophie and Vicki for their support and presenting of individual bags of haribo after the game. You’re welcome everytime.
Coyley’s latest nonsensical motivational shoutings (see title) still rings through my ears as I write the blog in the absence of the Bard Bernie, apologies for any poor description of the game but, as I’ve told many women the day after when I forget their name, “I had a car accident a few years ago and I now consequently have a very poor short term memory”.
Week started badly as the team sheet rolled in to Captain Coyley with something like 11 forward minded players and 2 defenders on the list. The missing of Dan, Dai, Chris and Bernie due to family commitments earns them the right to buy the first round next Sunday. Other losses included Gibbsy and Geoff who I can only assume are dead and so are exempt from pint buying.
So we turn up on an un-seasonally warm day at Battersea park to face GRP high on the confidence building friendly win and looking to finish this lower league shower off before half time then switch off and catch up the ‘man tan’ in the second. The Captain took his deserved vice captain for the day (me) aside for a chat about the team in which he showed me the team on the back of a bus timetable, I recommended changes, he disregarded them, we were set. Very makeshift team read as follows: Eddie (welcome return in goal), John F and Crouch (centre backs) Johnny (RB) Colin (LB) Hudson & Coyley (CM) Ballsy (AMF) Iain (RAMF) Micah (LAMF) Mej (CF) Subs: Pete, Steve. (Ed. Fucking hell the positioning is like Championship Manager 2003)
The game started well from the centre backs view, very scrappy but holding our own. No real chances early doors but some worrying signs as balls got sent over the top and our terrifyingly rapid centre back pairing were caught out of position and out of line a couple of times. Sadly this tactic paid off after 15 mins or so with a ball over the top and myself and a GPR attacker chasing back, the tactical football magazines I read as a child told me I should have taken ball and player out of the game but I opted for the frankly surprising choice of neither. Unfortunately Eddie had strayed off his line and my crap tackle led to a jammy shot creeping into the corner 1-0 GPR.
Some good work coming from Ballsy Micah on the left and Johnny and Iain on the right was settling us down, if we could get a few in the mixer it looked like it might be turning, sadly they raped the wind out of our sails with a well worked goal involving some kind of camp precise backheel and a lucky crisply hit curling 18 yard strike into the top corner, no one at fault for this one, perhaps we could have closed them down quicker. 2-0
I started getting annoyed at being a shit centre back at this point and thought I’d take it upon myself to be a shit forward for a bit. I’m not 100% sure but it must have been a corner or I wouldn’t have been in their box but a ball into the middle led to a GPR defender hastily clearing the ball into my testicles from point blank range on the 6 yard box and with superb ball control (see what I did there) it landed at my feet. As the dark clouds of unconsciousness began to take hold I managed to turn and lay it off to Ballsy on the edge of the area middle of the goal, one touch to set himself then a deft curled effort into the top corner. Good stuff 2-1.
Half Time.
Second half began with Steve coming on at right back for Micah, Johnny goes Right Wing and Iain over to the left. Ramshackle defending lets them back in a number of times and Eddy works wonders to keep them at bay until finally he can only palm one upward and the bounce defeats John F (not his fault) to allow their forward to nod home from 1 yard 3-1.
We then start to build with Johnny working hard on the right and Mej getting very close to being put through by Iain, Ballsy and Coyley but all either cut out or too long, just. Several corners came our way with sound deliveries from Iain leading to some great chances for Steve and others I can’t remember. Finally the pressure told with a really good goal. Corner for GPR, sterling defending from Pete (on for Colin at LB) to start a move down the right. Sorry if I miss anyone here but I know Johnny ran a long way with the ball, exchanged passes with someone (sorry) and put Coyley in on the angle. Coyley played a deliberate and precise scuffed shot into the area and Mej volleyed home. 3-2.
At this point our gander was up and with Micah scaring the living piss out of everyone on the sidelines with manic berating (good work Micah) and Coyley referring to us a 9 year olds (again) we wanted it more than them. More corners came in, more chances. Then the moment we were all waiting for Ballsy takes a short corner to Mej, Mej sends in a near perfect cross and Johnny can’t quite grow enough to get over the header and guided it wide (which to be fair was all he could have done, bloody short people)
We (me) then switched off a bit and a few chances fell to GPR which they should have taken but for the quality of Eddy in the sticks, before we knew it the whistle had gone 3-2 GPR.
Positives: Understrength and unknown team played some decent stuff at times and effort was good. Made chances from set pieces and defended high balls relatively well. Coyley got a new catchphrase.
Negatives: Lost.
Overall some good games out there, stand-out performance outfield from Johnny with good running and skills down the right just not able to get the crosses over due to solid defending, but it’ll come. Micah almost won MOM from the sidelines with his shouting 12th man performance also for taking the kit again (someone else next time please lads). But MOM has to go to Eddy for some top saves and good presence in the box, could have been out of it early in the second without the big man, well played sir.
I apologise for my centre back performance, I think the shot to the love spuds was some divine justice for allowing them through so many times. Also had my t shirt nicked/taken by accident so if anyone finds a dark blue T-Shirt with ‘Cougars’ written on it, it’s mine you thieving git! (only joking, I’ll have it back next game please). Also I had to look after a woman this week (not you Iain) so will be back on the social secretary scene next week where we can get a few more of us down the pub post match.
Big shout to Hudson who played well but has not received a mention at all in the blog because he a) kept his temper and b) didn’t injury himself. Well done resident evil, we salute you (and well done whoever spiked him with depressants before the game).
Special mention to Sophie and Vicki for their support and presenting of individual bags of haribo after the game. You’re welcome everytime.
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