Sunday 19 October: Perfidious Albion (a): Market Road

Opening up the season with a narrow defeat against Green Park Rangers was certainly not the start to the season that our ever enthuisiastic Captain had forseseen. Fortunately, being a Geordie, he’s well used to his pre-season visions not coming to pass. He had used words like “unlucky” and “nearly” in his analysis of last week’s game (and some others that required an interpreter) but he was clearly unsettled by a disappointing start to the season.

So the Captain wore a worried look when he called me one side to: “Take a look at this.” Slightly concerned and panic stricken, I was all ready to reassure him that it wasn’t that bad and nothing a course of antibiotics couldn’t handle when he – much to my relief – pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from an orange sock. On it was a list of his brave little soldiers and a battle plan for victory. He talked for a bit, I listened, nodding occasionally, before agreeing upon a formation I barely understood.

So we lined up with Eddie between the sticks, Steve, Dai, Chris and Bernie across the back, an unfathomable midfield matrix of Paul, Dan, Simon, Jonny and Micah, and Hudson – sporting new boots fitted with a pioneering Malice Regulation Device – doing the Alliance’s bit to promote global terror up front. On the bench, Gibbsy, Colin, and Jeff waited for the call whilst exchanging pleasantries with Henry.

Off we go then with the possibility of mood lighting later in the game courtesy of the newly installed Market Road wind turbine (not the only thing powered by wind). As usual, we were quickly into our silky stride, knocking the ball around with clueless ease. Simon, Dan and Paul were starting to win the midfield battle, the back four set up their own version of Offa’s Dyke in front of Eddie and Matty was busy playing nice guy up front as the FA-sponsored valium held firm.

But it was on the flanks that the action really started, sparked into life by the latest instalment of the Alliance sponsored foul-throw-a-thon (nearly £8 now raised for ‘Knees for Nick’). Taking their lead from the do-gooding, Jonny and Micah started marauding in the wide open spaces and linking up nicely with Paul, Matt and Simon. Several half-chances came and went as a few crosses narrowly missed their target and a few shots missed the target. Meantime at the back, Chris was just offering round brandy and cigars when Perfidious broke.

I say broke, I mean hoofed it over the top. Still struggling with the cigar cutter, Dai made a dog’s breakfast of a simple ball over the top but breathed a sigh of releif when his pace came to the rescue once again. Corner to Perfidious. Bit of pushing and shoving in the penalty area (not helped by Bernie cracking open a pack of mini-cheddars) was quickly forgotten when the ball looped over us all only for Eddie to leap like an imposing Colombian goalkeeper and tip over the bar. Still 0-0 and a wake up call for the Alliance.

With half-time appraoching we were quickly back on the attack, again down the flanks where Jonny continued to maraude and Micah worked tirelessly holding the ball up and linking play nicely. It was from one of the flanks that the ball was worked into the middle where Dan had made a rare foray upfield, setting off my ‘shit I feel all exposed’ panic alarm in the process. But once there, he picked the ball up on the edge of the D, shaped to hit it with his left foot, thought better of it, shaped to hit it with his right foot, couldn’t, and so reluctantly went back to his left. After 3 whole minutes, he eventually let fly with his left foot and we were 1-0 up. Cue customary Dan hard man goal celebration.

Half-time. (Ice-cream and refreshments on sale in the foyer)

At half-time we congratulated ourselves on a job well-done and talked about continuing the work rate and spreading the ball wider where Jonny and Micah were excelling (or maybe that was just what I said). With Paul, Simon and Dan ruling midfield, and Dai and Chris doing a steady job with Steve and Bernie at the back, we were looking good.

You will excuse the short write up of the second half but I only played 10 minutes of it and frankly lost interest as soon as Henry revealed that not only did he have a Bob the Builder figure, but a tractor too. From what I remember, they shifted it round a bit and dropped one of their strikers back into midfield and brought on a blunderbus of a striker up front. No matter, Chris and Dan were having him for breakfast.

Still we looked like the better team, with Jonny, Matty and Micah starting to link up well up front. Again chances came and went, one in particular where Jonny was a fag-paper away from converting a cross from Matty or Micah or someone else beginning with M. By this time Gibbsy, Jeff and Colin were all on all as Bernie, Steve and Dai took their leave.

Still very much on top, we needed another goal to give us reward for our superiority. Eventually it came when Jonny latched on to a smart through ball and slid the ball under the onrushing keeper. 2-0 and the Chairman’s starting to calculate win bonuses.

But with the promise of a £5 book token in the offing, the Alliance fell apart. Sinking too deep and giving the ball away needlessly, Perfidious started to think that there was something in this game for them. Eddie made a couple of smart saves but cracks were starting to show. Shortly afterwards one crack in particular became a cavernous split. First a cross that we failed to cut was netted at the near post (could have been a bicycle kick from 40 yards for all I can remember) and then with just seconds remaining, a floaty, loopy, flicky, gay shot from the edge of the area left Eddie with no chance. 2-2. Can you fucking believe it?

Plenty of positives: Matty’s new anti-malice device, Dan as the shield in front of the back four, Jonny bringing a sense of adventure to the right hand side, Simon and Paul quietly effective in the middle and mini-cheddars at corners.

Negatives: Drawing with a team that even Newcastle might beat. (“Which one of you is Perfidious? You’re a c**t.”) Oh, and the fact that Coyley’s volley from the edge of the box (speed-gunned at 150mph) just flew over the bar.

MOM: Micah. A grand job on the left hand-side, making good use of the ball, linking play well, battling for everything and demonstrating that you too can throw the ball a fucking long way if you take creatin powder and eat 6 whole chickens a day.

Bernie's PS: I actually cleared one off the line in the first half plus here's Uncle Gibbsy on the tele: http://www.pringles.co.uk/football/extras.aspx (scroll down to the second video)